Letter to God!

 

'Creation of man' Fresco in  Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo

 

Dear God,

Just so you know, I am angry with you and you will get an earful today! I do not know how are you running this whole  universe thing? What have I done to you that you have put a target on my back? No, I do not claim to be a paragon of virtue but listen there is nothing serious against me and don't you think  decades of constant agony is sufficient penalty for the crime of liking a person? Just one person!

Firstly explain to me why do you place me in this person's way again and again? Why ? To torment and rob me of vitality?  They have no use of me and you know it. They will never choose me, even if I was the last person left on earth. If I live in the neighbourhood they will sell their home and move out. They will fail a course just to avoid being in the same class. How many times have you tried this same trick? At every stage of life.... yeah, that's right! No, the person did not pick me as a boy friend nor a life partner. Not even as a friend. Told me to go away and never even come say hello!  You know  I do not fit the bill. Short; short of money and short of influence is not exactly the sauce for success. Why do you keep joking with me?

 All you used me for was to soak up the toxicity left over after the boyfriend project ended by putting me back in the middle of it! I took the job because I really, really liked the person. I did a good job.  Did I not ? Then why did you have to  kick me out of the person's life after heaping insults on me by the roadside. No explanation , no chance , no fairness! Just Absolute cruel and insensitive, selfish disregard for me ! That's the thanks I received for being respectful, honourable, super friendly, nurturing and a loving person. I gave everything I had to this; everything !  God ! You of all people should know I was totally sincere. Did I deserve  this catastrophic punishment ? Accusatory words turned the knife in my back and it still hurts like hell!

I resigned to my fate! As if I had a choice! My entire life changed to a diminished , circumscribed existence. I became a shell of what I was and have missed all of my achievement markers because of absymally poor motivation. 

I go about my mundane life one day at a time. I have  barely learned to live with my grief after struggling with it for several decades.

God! You kept me out of the loop for  during all the prime milestones of this individual's life. That's most of my adult life , middle age and now my senior years. Things like Marriage, parenthood , buying a home....  were off limits for me. Decades when I yearned for a scrap of welfare  information ; you did not provide any. Nothing. Not one little tiny bit. I just wanted to keep my promise of always caring! Keeping a promise - is that a crime too? I am  an old man now ; God - I am  not young any more! Why did you  send all of those details now? Why are you pushing me on to a colliding path again? If this is a test.... I fail!

I had put huge distance in between to avoid such a thing ; but with one stroke you have nullified everything. Time and space have become meaningless and I am back in time reliving and mourning my life altering  loss! 

What is it that you want God? What do you want of me this time? I have nothing left to give. This person already has everything I could. Took everything I had and ran off! I was replaced in this person's life too. A long time ago!

Does anyone even want me in the first place? Much less access to themselves, they do not even want me to have access to their picture!  Dear God you saw that! Didn't you?  what in the God's name do you not understand here? Why could you not keep me unaware still? I can not fathom your plan!

Instead of cruel words; silence is turning the knife in this time round! It hurts! God ! Are you even listening? Do you ever listen?

 

 

कितने आदमी थे ?

                                                 "kitne admi the?" Shot from movie ,"Sholay"
 

आठ अरब इंसान है इस दुनिया में,

मै अभी पहले को ही दोस्त नहीं बना पाया।

 

ओ खुदा मेरे और कितने इम्तिहान बाकी हैं,

पहला पर्चा ही मुझ से पास नहीं हो पाया!

 

कुछ शर्म आ रही है अपनी कारीगरी पे?

इस कदर बदकिस्मत शख्स कैसे बनाया?

 

ऐसे क्यों देखते हो हैरान हो के मुझे?

खोया ही खोया है, जिंदगी से कुछ नहीं पाया।

 

सारी हसीन रंगीनियां नज़र आती हैं मुझे,

वो जो भाया तो फिर कुछ नहीं भाया!

 

ये खेला तुम्हारे लिए है ही नहीं मेरे भाई,

अंत तक पता न चलेगा; कौन अपना, कौन पराया!

 

गुमान होता यूं था  हर पल साथ चल रहा है वो,

ज़रा उधर हाथ बढ़ाया तो निकला मेरा साया।

 

जिंदगी जब तलक मौका देगी इंतजार कर लूंगा।

घबराता हूं क्या हो गर उस दिन भी वो न आया! 

हम क्या चाहते हैं ?

 

Couple in front of Gustav Klimt's iconic "Der Kuss". 

Belvedere Museum, Vienna

मेरे बालों में उंगली फिराने के बहाने 

अचानक ज़रा सा खींच दो,मजाक में ।

मै ये चाहता हूं! 

 

तुम बालों में ब्रश करो सोने से पहले

और मैं रोज़ एकटक ,मंत्रमुध देखूं ।

 मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

"काफी कड़वी लगती है? यू आर ए किड"।

कह के खूब कहकहे लगाओ मुझ पर  ।

मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

तुम कालेज के बारे में सवाल पूछो,

जो अभी हुए ही नहीं उन बच्चों के। 

मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

तुमको नहीं आता बोल चाइनीज तुम ऑर्डर करो।

घर पर किसी दिन दोनों के लिए मैगी से काम चलाओ।

 मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

भीगी भीगी आंखों से अपने राज़ मुझे बताओ।

मेरे थोडे शरारती जोक पर आँखें भींच हंसो।

मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

हम फिल्म देखने जाएं और टिकट ही न मिले। 

 मेरा कुछ सामान तुम्हारी कपड़ों की अलमारी में मिले ।

मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

सुस्त ट्रेन की ऊपरी बर्थ पर बतियाएं हम।

तिब्बती मार्केट से मेरा स्वेटर खरीदो तुम।

मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

 लालची हूं  इसलिए सारी दुनिय़ा के बदले , 

 मुनाफे का सौदा - तुम्हे मांगता हूं!

मै ये चाहता हूं! 

 

 तुम  फिर भी चाहती हो आज़ादी!

हां, मुझसे चाहिए ! हां, अभी चाहिए !

रहने दो ,आज से मै कुछ नही  चाहता !

Seat 11 !

 

'Thorn chair' by Michele Oka Doner

USA, c. 1980
cast and patinated bronze .91 × 53 × 51 cm

 

Few years ago - alright make it more than a few years ago; when I started travelling by air I used to love sitting on a window seat. A hold over from all those bus trips of my childhood travelling  to the achingly beautiful Kashmir valley. Window seat would allow you to enjoy the view  for those 8/9 hours you had to be sitting on those hard bench like seats. Things changed over time and I could afford better seats and coaches that  ran movies the entire time. Passengers loved that idea but I was never a fan of it. Bus operators would draw all the  window curtains to get  better screen visibility. I would still try to get a window seat and peeked outside through the slits in the curtain.

 

Once in the air  you can not see much ; just endless blue skies and few clouds. To me it is still fascinating, almost a liberating view! For a very long time I continued to book a window seat. I would always resent if that was not available; which happened once in a while. What bad luck I thought !

 

Time is relentless. It imprints itself on everything and everyone. So one fine day as I was flying from Frankfurt to home I realized I have grown up and not that young boy of those bus rides any more ! I was in the window seat as usual in a three seat configuration. Dinner was over; wine was done and  every passenger was trying to catch a wink. I held on for some time but then I had to go. It would have been quite normal but I had gone just before dinner, not too long ago. I had to repeat this later again. So the process involves waking up the middle seat and the aisle seat and maybe make them stand up to allow you to pass while you are trying to hold on to your urges. Jump to 5/7 minutes later and as they are about to slip back into sleep ,repeat this in reverse. Wake up aisle , wake up middle....

 

My window seat days were clearly over! It was a time before airlines had decided to nickle and dime the flying public. I started booking front seats, right behind the first class cabin. Firstly it had better legroom that ensured that you would pass through without disturbing your co passengers. Secondly you would invariably get served food first and the washrooms were not too far either. These seats were also in the front section of the aircraft; which reportedly is smoother to ride during air turbulence. 

           

Now the definition of a bad luck seat had changed for me. Of course airlines do not assign these seats any more; they sell them. About $75 per leg of the journey. I usually buy some good luck now ! 

 

People in the know will tell you that the worst possible seat in a Boeing 787 dream liner happens to be seat 11 A. It is right next to an emergency exit, so you are not allowed to keep your handbags or other belongings with you. Floor needs to be clear of all obstructions. An AC duct apparently is also a restricting  element. Window  is not only not operable; it does not exist. Vishwaskumar Ramesh would have cursed his luck or maybe given an earful to his travel agent. He might have even tried to change to a different seat at the check in counter..... no matter. 11A was his seat and so it remained as he boarded his flight back home to UK. His flight crashed barely 5 minutes into take off. It killed everyone on board the aircraft as well as several others in a nearby  building on which the ill fated aircraft fell .

 

Not everyone actually! Not the occupier of 11A. In an absolute miracle, Vishwaskumar left the catastrophically burning   plane; with charred bodies and smoking debris all around him; on foot. Repeat on foot. He sustained minor injuries , minimal burns and is currently recovering in a city hospital.  The lone survivor of this tragedy!

 

We should never pause to strive for the best possible outcome in every endeavour.  However what we consider bad luck; might actually prove to be the best thing that  ever happened to us. We just do not know it yet.  Ask seat 11A! He will tell you.

 

 

Misplaced Loyalty!

Representative image,"Loyal Dog"

For the last 75% of my total elapsed life several matters of concern have raised their head from time to time. Just like everybody and their aunt's life! Some were dealt with rather expeditiously; some lost steam and disappeared on their own. Others required a little more focused effort on my part. Few- very few stayed on obdurately; paying no heed to my shenanigans. 

The hardest of them, ' Is everything fine ?', gnawed at me everyday; persistently pushing, needling and looming large on my mind and spirits. I played all the possible scenes in my mind. I switched different permutations and combinations of all  the possible answers. I shouted my query in the air regularly as life kept happening to me over all of these years.

'Is everything fine?';'Is everything fine?'

Of course there was no one there to answer back! As is my wont, I analyzed  everything minutely. Events that culminated in arriving at this situation where there is no answer. Only a question that begets more questions. I felt a little responsible. I rewrote all the scenes of my life in my head.I changed my actions to other possible actions. Things I could have done or should not have done at such and such point. Things I said; stuff I left unsaid. Everything was imagined over and over and over! Wasted a lot of time on this, but the question remained.

'Is everything fine?';'Is everything fine?'

I wished I was a bit more believable! Why was I not believed, again? What exactly is my fault? Why don't I deserve an answer? I looked everywhere without luck for the entity that held answers to all these. The ugly question just would not go away even after it defeated and diminished me! I loose, you win; just let go of me! I pleaded for years. My inner voice however kept up the din.

'Is everything fine?';'Is everything fine?'

Apparently sheer stupidity above a certain threshold has been banned in the heavens and seemingly I overshot by miles! Universe finally had to step in to save me from myself! It suddenly started putting nuggets of information on my desk. Information that had eluded me for years. As if I even knew what to look for in the first place.

It knocked me on the head; pushed me hard; cajoled me, shook me and bombarded me with curated scenes in the right sequence. Scenes that I had gone through before in my head but never connected. It provided corroborating clues; one after another. And from some deep dark depth it unearthed  the queen of the answers ! Peeling layer after layer, the universe put her under a spotlight.

The results were astounding! I was shocked to recognize what I should have known on day one! I was completely wrong about not being believed! I was believed totally. Every word of mine was believed, because it was true!

It just did not suit the new script being written with the new title," beliefs do not pay bills'! Script changes were premeditated and executed secretly in cold blood; one scene at a time. Words like Emotion, loyalty and commitment were erased.

Final project got released unannounced and unexplained. Totally without remorse; without regret and without a care except for monetary considerations. You could have heard the jangling  sounds in the background.

Universe sent me the theme song too:

Everything was master planned; a great design I'd say. 

It is more than fine. Shut the 'F' up and go far away!

You are no body to ask any questions anyway.

Simply a  blot on the larger canvas.

Just go home and write in golden letters;    

It was always fine and it is  getting better.  

You little blot - no longer of use to us !

Henry David Thoreau said, "The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it".

Money always costs too much. At times you need to exchange yourself entirely. In the end 'it is all about the money'!

Seriously we should test people for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. In order to ensure that they do not harm others or themselves. Trust me I feel like I have arrived here from a different planet !

 'Whole program was painstakingly designed to be fine, you dolt!'

 How in the blazes did I miss the answer staring me in the face for so long? what a dunce!

                                 

 

 

 

 

  

वादा, मेरा वादा!

'Samurai under Attack'

Antique Japanese Ukiyo-e woodcut print

नए नाम के नए रंग में बरसों बाद तुझे देखकर,

रूह तक के दुखते ज़ख्म बेदर्दी से खुरचे गए फिर।

डूबते दिल को भरोसा दिया इस सच ने सामने आकर,

अब भी वैसी की वैसी है तेरी, हिकारत भरी वो नजर।

जीवन भर के साथ का उधार बकाया है तुझपर,

तकाज़ा करने आया कभी कोई क्या तुम्हारे दर?

कर्ज वापिस हो कैसे,क्यों, क्या करोगी सोचकर,

तुम जियो जिंदगी गुलाबी, मखमली; बेफिक्र होकर।

मै हूँ,रख लूंगा सारी तल्खियां अपनी नाकामी में सहेज कर,

बता क्या करूं, ये वादा कर जो दिया था तुझपे ऐतबार कर!

तुम अपनी चुप से कहती चलो, 'मरदूद चुप कर',

ढीठ हूँ, हवाओं से तेरी लेता रहूंगा खोज खबर।

इस मूर्ख को समझाया था डूबता सौदा मत कर,

चलो दो, अगली बार के लिए कोरा कागज़ दस्तख़त कर।

एवज में समय के अंत तक मांगूंगा ,'प्रभु इसका भला कर',

या कि फिर वादा खिलाफी करोगी, अख्तियारों का पत्ता चल कर?

अपनी भली खबर भेजो, दो अक्षर हाल लिख डालो। ...बस मुक्तसर

मेरी वफ़ा है बस अक्स तेरा; इसी हिकमत से फिर तेरे साथ रहूंगा उम्र भर,

बता क्या करूं? ये वादा कर जो दिया था तुझ पर ऐतबार  कर!