From the wish list!

Old Magazine style digital illustration.

I would have preferred

to wake up first thing everyday and see you.

I would have preferred 

not to spend a futile life time just looking for you!

I would have preferred

to listen, hear and trust the magic in your voice.

I would have preferred 

not to forget your face. Now that would've been nice!

I would have preferred

for you to love me more than I love myself.

I would have preferred

not to have to pick myself from the dump - myself!

 

I would have preferred

to smell that fragrance of your hair and pink paint your nails.

I would have preferred

not to wake up middle of the ocean; drifting with shredded sails! 

 

I would have preferred

for time to have stopped at a moment of my innocence.

I would have preferred

to understand your cold apathy. To me it makes no sense!  

 

I would have preferred 

for you to always prefer what I preferred. 

I would have preferred

to be the one for whom in silence you suffered!

 

I would have preferred

to have said a loving last word; though there was nothing left to say.

I would have preferred

to be wrong about you regretting your choices every day!    

 

I would have preferred

to love, hold tight, nurture,build, rise and grow old together.

I would have preferred

not to drop our head on our knees; sob & mourn each other!  

 

I would have preferred 

to have not met for my peace or ever set on you my eyes.

I would have preferred

not to be silent strangers; look blank & pray to the skies!   

 

I would have preferred

for you to communicate; be vulnerable & come home  to me. 

I would have preferred

for you to have thought wisely while I could still give 'me' entirely!

 

I would have preferred

us to be forever; graceful; generous, kind & abundantly celebrate in mirth.  

I would have preferred

not to leave everything unfinished; to the chance of another birth!   

 

I would have preferred...... 

 

  

    

 

दीपावली!

 

"Dancing Green Ganapati" 

Acrylics on Wooden Panel; 30 cm X 45 cm. 2022 . by Ashutosh kaul

 In private Collection

 तमसो मा ज्योतिर्गमय! 

On the auspicious occasion of Deepawali may you and your loved ones find truth; light; peace and prosperity for all times to come. May God grant you grace, compassion, success; a purpose in life and make all your wishes come true!

 दीपावली की शुभकामनाएं!

जिन्न का चिराग!

AI generated image.

 

 किस जादू से बांध  रखा है मुझे? 

क्या न दे दूं मैं तुम्हे! बोलो क्या चाहिए?

ना जाने ये प्यार कहां से उमड़ रहा है; 

मुझे तो तुम्हे नफ़रत से देखना चाहिए!

अगला जन्म भी होता है; होना ही चाहिए!

 

सच में देने को कुछ हाथ नहीं है मेरे;

 दुआ न सलाम; मुझ जैसे को टालना चाहिए!

खिलौना जिसे तुम कब का तोड़ चुकी हो;

खास चलता नहीं है अब; क्यों चाहिए?

अगला जन्म भी होता है; होना ही चाहिए!

 

जीना मरना इंसा के वश नहीं, 

कोशिश कर ले, चाहे जितना चाहिए।

इस बार साथ बड़े कम वक्त का रहा;

 जीवन भर का ही होना चाहिए।

अगला जन्म भी होता है; होना ही चाहिए!

 

शुरू से फिर शुरू करेंगे, 

शुरू से हिसाब होना चाहिए!

क्यों जाता वो; इस जन्म गर आना होता?

 इंतज़ार करना भी क्यों चाहिए?

अगला जन्म भी होता है; होना ही चाहिए!

 

वक्त भी खास कुछ  बचा नहीं है;

  तुम्हे  क्या अब मेरी खाक चाहिए?

खूब पहचान कर भी जो अनजान बने,

 उसे कुछ कहना भी नहीं चाहिए।

अगला जन्म भी होता है; होना ही चाहिए!

 

जिसको तुम पाना चाहो;

उसको भी तुम्हे चुनना चाहिए!

अब कभी भी मिलेगा नहीं  वो;

 फिर भी राह तकते रहना चाहिए।

अगला जन्म भी होता है; होना ही चाहिए!

 

नालायक थी तमन्ना मेरी;

 शायद उसे धोखा ही खाना चाहिए!

अबके मजबूत डाली पर घोंसला बनाएंगे; 

हर तिनका सहेज के रखना चाहिए।

अगला जन्म भी होता है; होना ही चाहिए!

 

हर लालच से; अपनी खुदगर्जी से; 

सच को छलने से, बचना चाहिए।

इस बार तो तुमसे नहीं ही हुआ; 

अपने से सच बोलना चाहिए।

अगला जन्म भी होता है, होना ही चाहिए।

 

चलो करें फिर कुछ इक वादे ; 

बस तुम्हे निभाना आना चाहिए।

अगले किसी जन्म जब फिर मिलेंगे;

 तुमको मेरा हाथ पकड़ कर रखना चाहिए।

अगला जन्म भी होता है होना ही चाहिए!

 

सुनो भई, मैं कोई लफंगा नहीं हूं; 

 जिसे ब्लॉक कर ज़लील कर देना चाहिए।

 उम्र भर तुम्हे कोई आवाज़ अब न दूंगा;

 क्यों, जब तुम्हे ही नही चाहिए....

अगला जन्म भी होता है, होना ही चाहिए।

 

चाहत ने बहुत बेआबरू किया है मुझको ;

 चाहत को और कितना चाहना चाहिए?

चुपचाप वफ़ा करेंगे पहले के जैसे; 

नाकाम शख़्स को यही करना चाहिए।

अगला जन्म भी होता है, होना ही चाहिए।

 

भूल जाना चाहता हूं मैं सब कुछ  ।

 उसमें तुम्हे भी शामिल करना चाहिए?

क्या बनूं मैं भी इंसा औरों जैसा;

 क्या मुझे भी वादे भूल जाना चाहिए?

अगला जन्म भी होता है, होना ही चाहिए।

 

तोहमतें तो मैं तुम्हे बेहिसाब दे दूं;

 कोई फायदा भी होना चाहिए।

किस किस बात को रोएंगे हम; 

अब ये सब कम करना चाहिए।

अगला जन्म भी होता है, होना ही चाहिए!

 

देने को पास तुम्हारे दुनिया थी पूरी; 

सारी वैसी जैसी मुझको चाहिए।

इस बार मेरे भाग में क्या क्या आया?

 वो बात करनी ही न चाहिए!

अगला जन्म भी होता है, होना ही चाहिए!

 

बस ईश्वर तुम्हे हर सुख दे; 

 हां, भगवन् से ये  वरदान तो चाहिए!

आज़ाद नहीं जो आज मैं कुछ दे पाऊं;

   हक नही कुछ; जो तुमसे मांगना चाहिए!

अगला जन्म भी होता है, होना ही चाहिए!

 

चमकती, गुलाबी, सुनहरी रहे दुनिया तुम्हारी;

 तुम्हे खुश खुशहाल होना चाहिए।

मन में रोज दीवाली मनती रहे तुम्हारे; 

मेरे चिराग को अब बुझ जाना चाहिए!

मेरे चिराग को अब बुझ जाना चाहिए! 

  

अगला जन्म भी होता है न ?

 

 

 

Sorry; trust me, I love you!

"Hey , Look at my new skirt!"

Oil on Canvas, 1989.  H 180cm X W 120 cm. by Ashutosh Kaul

Artworks whereabouts  are unknown; believed to be destroyed !

Arguably the most misused word in the English language is ,"sorry"! Sorry to bring it to your notice though! You see how I am not sorry; not even one bit. I intended to do this all along but I am "sorry"! Most of the times we are insincere and mouth these words to mask our indifference ; guilt or a sly motive. When one is truly sorry, there is no need to say it. A sorry person makes the necessary change to correct the mistakes and that is all the sorry that is ever required.

A few  years ago Harbhajan Singh called Phil Symonds "monkey"('Bandar' in his mother tongue) in the heat of the moment  during a cricket match in Australia. The controversy became big and took racial overtones. It was eventually capped by explaining that word said was 'benchod'(f your sister) and not 'bandar' (monkey). Everyone said sorry; though  Harbhajan was guilty as sin but got a pass on  the racial slur. Sorry worked because there was no repetition of this slur again. He made the changes as required.

What happens when someone makes no change? When they knew exactly what they were doing, when they were doing it? When they are fully aware of the severe damage they are causing and continue to do it anyway. Can they ever be sorry?  Maybe for themselves but other than that....What if that unlikely remorse strikes them later in life but they have no way to make amends ? After all if you push someone down the stairs , you could get him to a hospital, give him some care and pay for the costs etc.; but if you knife someone and keep knifing till they loose their life; what on earth can you do ? Say sorry! Really ! Can you? "Sorry I screwed your life" ! What difference could it make?

"Trust me on this"; every scam , every con has trust at its core, trust me ! People go to great lengths and make great sacrifices in order to build trust in themselves. Trust is the most precious currency you can have in life. Once you fritter it away there is almost no chance of getting it back ever. It is the greatest of honours to hold someone's trust. That alone should stop people from betraying and losing their stock of trust. No, not at all! Real world does not work that way. Trust is the first currency people use to get ahead. More someone puts their belief in you, easier it is to exploit that trust. Like snatching candy from a kid! Easy peezy!

Why do bridges fail; why does a newly made road sink even before it is inaugurated? How does a criminal run his gang even while he is inside a jail? I can keep giving examples all night. The simple answer is that the  people we have placed our trust in are betraying us for their own ends without a morsel of shame or regret.

So what does one do ? How on earth can you continue if you do not trust at all? After all you need to trust the metro time table and leave home at a certain time in order to reach your place of work. You need to trust the coffee machine that once you press the brew button, your morning cup would come out hot and nice. Trust; trust indeed but remember two things. Firstly humans are the least trustworthy creatures on God's earth, period! Secondly trust demands proof ! There is no trust without it. If your machine spew out a good cup yesterday at the press of a button , you can trust it today to do likewise. It might still fail but that is not a trust issue. Humans on the other  hand need to provide proof every time by their choice of action ; not by their words or their thoughts. It is always a betrayal of the trust issue! Always; no exceptions! None.

What if someone loves you? Or the other way around. Can you trust them or yourself for that matter? I will cut the argument short but sadly the answer is 'no'! You can not and specially yourselves!

Problem lies with the concept of love. What we encounter on a day to day basis is not love. It is lust mostly, an attraction, a fancy or self love at best. People love themselves as they should but they look for others that can fill some of their own emotional, Physical, or material needs! Then they brand it 'love'!  Once the needs change love goes out of the window. They should not but love marriages fail too; don't they?

A mother always loves her children unconditionally. A father mostly. They ask nothing of you. They care despite your short comings; failings and misdemeanor. That  love qualifies as love.

For the rest of us love demands action. To find unconditional love is the rarest of the rare blessing in other people. It is so rare that we do not recognise it till it is too late. Consider it non existent for all practical purposes.

Anyway test yourself and test others constantly on the same scales. Who shows up? Who stays? Who runs away? Who cares? Who is  unbothered? Who wants to share, grow, partner and nurture? Who wants to take and take and scoot? Who will make sacrifices to keep you in their life; who will demand you to shrink to fit theirs? Who chooses you over the world every time, everyday? Who has you marked as an option? Who stays loyal despite receiving nothing? Who betrays despite receiving everything? Who is transparent; honest; secretive; communicative, closed off; lies; misinforms; grounded; calm; impulsive; ...

Love demands action. The worst lie people tell is 'I love you'! No you do not! Not until your actions say it. Stop lying to people or  to yourself. You never need to utter these three words ever when you truly love someone and someone loves you unconditionally .  Every breath you take is going to shout it ! Every breath you take belongs to your person! They  will know it instantly too!

Unconditional kind is only kind of love that is love. Other kind is just making a deal. Stop calling a  mere contract 'love'. You are only deluding yourself ! No wonder 'love' so often disappoints so comprehensively! Parties always feel short changed and deceived. Mostly they are.

Sorry; trust me, I love you! They are all meaning less combinations of the alphabet. They might soothe your ego, but will certainly bring  big trouble for you if not accompanied by the needed action.  Maybe you did not know ; now you do!

 

Blabberings of an old man !

AI generated symbolic image

 

'A long time ago'...is a favourite start of the stories old people tell. I have realized that I am using it quite a bit! In fact very often my train of thought fires up on this ignition. That does mean that I am getting old ; or does it ? What actually is getting old ? Can we assign a number to it? Who decides that number?

 

Averaged Data collated from various sources  tell you that the life expectancy at birth for men of Indian decent is around 70 years. A few months back my youngest uncle passed suddenly and he was around that age. So there is some merit in that data and my uncle was not sick; ailing or that many years senior to me either.  

 

Life has an uncanny habit of constant movement. Nothing remains static. Even death is not permanent according to our Indian wisdom. There is rebirth and birth again and again till one improves enough to be assimilated in to God and one never needs this mortal life again.

 

John Lennon said a very apt thing about life; "life is what happens when you are busy making other plans"! Somehow life never turns out to be exactly as one envisages. So many ifs and buts surround it. So many regrets adorn it and so many failures define it! One can however never stop aging! Never go back in time and never restart! Every moment lived is set in stone and you remain accountable for it forever!

 

One can start anew though! Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years of age. There are other late bloomers and later startup success stories but not too many and hardly anyone close to the good old colonel's age. I am similar to him only in age.... sadly! I am getting old!

 

What this means is that I have lived most of my life! Years behind me greatly outnumber years ahead of me.  It means that my dreams; my hopes; my plans and my achievements are all in the past. Except my disappointments! This is what I would have preferred to have stayed behind  but apparently they are loyal to one's last breath. So I will experience some loyalty at last! There is not a whole lot left to expect of the remaining time left. Life will move on constantly in a surprising direction that I may like or not; till it is time. Life will then continue on without me... it does not care. 

 

So I am old. Once upon a time ; a long time ago I was young. I lived; I loved; I laughed; I cared; I dreamed; I trusted and collected disappointments. A whole lot of them.

 

Once upon a time; a long time ago........!