Solid, Liquid, Gas!

AI generated representative picture of a sixtes Gas station.

Matter is indestructible. It can not be created or destroyed; only transformed. Which actually is just a rearrangement of its atoms. French chemist Antoine Lavoisier explained this in 1789. Matter exists in three primary states—solid, liquid, and gas—defined by particle arrangement and energy. Solids have a fixed shape and volume with tightly packed, vibrating particles. Liquids have a definite volume but take the container's shape, with particles that slide past each other. Gases fill their container, holding no fixed shape or volume. 

 

Gas forms the most part of space. It  actually is plasma which consists of ionized hydrogen and helium. Gas apparently is the most common state of everything! Yes I said it ! Even humans and human interactions! Let us not go into the morbid area of death eventually transforming one into smoke; but let me give you a story from a gas station. Yeah a petrol pump is called that in a large part of the world!

 

I was new those days and as I went in to fill up my car at a self serve pump, I saw another customer doing so at an adjacent pump. He was quite a bit older than I was. We kind of finished filling up at the same time and I let him walk ahead of me to go in the store to pay for it. I was lined up behind him at the counter and could not help hearing this conversation. So when he asked for the amount owing for his pump the attendant gave him a number. This person was surprised," that's a lot, how? Gas is 43 cents isn't it? He asked. The counter person said, " That's right but you filled premium gas, that is 55." "Damn !" said the customer and then he turned to me and said, " I don't care, it is my wife's car".

 

I was shocked to the core by this statement; as you can imagine!  24 years later I still remember this incident. "My wife's car"! So his wife must have pushed him to go get the car filled; he came in and filled  the expensive stuff without care. High octane gas is usually used in High end or sports models and  is not required for regular cars. He then  paid for it, I am assuming with his wife's credit card. The loss was entirely his wife's and not his! I am certain he never told his wife about it either! 

 

What was the state of his marriage you think; Solid, liquid , or gas? I was a decade into my marriage and I assume this guy was likely into a much longer one but the loss was not his ! The loss was not his! Imagine! What the Fish were they together for ?

 

It was not just a marriage that is all gas - no shape, volume or form; other relations are in a similar state. It was driven home to me as I attended a party soon after. So I got talking to a person at the party. We chatted about things and politics and life. He seemed fairly well informed and a decent sort. Then he threw a bomb! "You know" , He said; I gave my son a great deal"! Oh! how? I asked. , " I let him stay in my basement for $400 till he got a job again"! The rent is about $ 2000/month now but in those days the going rate for a basement apartment was $800. He expected me to appreciate his kindness. I did murmur a diplomatic "Nice"!  

 

In my heart I simply despised his heartless, graceless greed ! This was rent being charged by a father to his own child who had actually lost his job! How horribly mean! I in his place would rather put a bullet through my head before Such a thought crosses my mind! This I am afraid is the state of all the relations  - Gas, gas and more gas! It does liquefy from time to time to fill the shape of selfish goals  but I do not think any thing is in  a solid state any more.

 

Just check all that is happening in the world. We can say "Gas" in a nut shell. Someone has it, someone wants it and someone is ready to kill and be killed  to control it. From Venezuela to Iran to middle east and china ; even Ukraine war is a question of gas in many ways. In India gas is the star question! Actually In India apparently there is no shortage of cooking gas and there is a shortage. As soon as the supply chain got strained people started hoarding cylinders creating a crisis to profit from; where no shortage existed. As an exception to the rule  the selfish greed is solid!

That reminds me of a time when after spending the evening together I used to go drop someone off  at her rented apartment, which she shared with a classmate. Invariably she would ask and I stayed for dinner which she cooked. I used to eat with her and then go back home where I ate again to avoid questions and information on where I had been. There, do you see my relation with family was less than solid ?

For about six months we played 'house'. A foretaste of how it could be in future together. I adored every minute of it but in time it proved to be my gross over expectation. 

A political assassination and severe civil disturbance as its aftermath also happened during this period. I read somewhere that bonds get stronger when you go through a dangerous situation together. Like forged in fire. 

So what really happened  during those riots is that being young and restless  I got very uneasy and decided to rescue her to the relative safety of a family. Off I went on a bicycle. Completely unmindful of the raging riots on the roads I cycled about 20 km from my home in the very east end of the city to the last neighbourhood of Bhogal, close to lajpat nagar III in central south of the metropolis. I pedalled back with my rescued passenger on the cycle carrier. It is a miracle we remained safe and unmolested; exposed on the lawless roads like that! On reflection this was quite foolhardy on my part. I really put her in the harms way during the long ride. She would have been as safe at her apartment. It was a gated railway staff colony. Retrospective vision is always 20/20. I was a devil may care youngster and did not think straight. Just between you and me I would do it again even when I know now that it was pointless!

Just for the  record it did not make our bond solid. Everything ended in ash and smoke ! Literally! What did Lavoisier tell us about material? It can not be created or destroyed. Same with this bond. It just appeared when there were dozens of completely valid reasons against it. It was burned down with vengeance so long ago that not a vestige should have been left by now. It has gotten transformed into  a state of dissipating energy instead, that has lost all vigour. Its elements are far far apart and diffusing further and further away in the ether on their never ending journey.

 

Someday, when I get transformed into diffusing atoms myself our paths might cross again; or not! My atoms colliding with the energy of the bond! Their resonance will be something solid...perhaps ! Maybe not, since gas is the most enduring state of things!

 

 

 

Churr Chot!

 digitally created representative image of a Shikara in Dal Lake

Growing up the question was," where were you when Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon"? Well I for one was too young to remember . Anyway We came to know about a man on the moon in our school morning assembly. They used to have senior students  read from the newspaper. Must have been a few days later. Do you know if they read out news in the morning assembly these days ? An earlier  generation used to ask, "where were you when USA detonated nuclear devices over Japan and effectively ended the world war II"? Of course I was not even born! Do I look that old? 

 

I can tell you where I was when I definitely knew I love 'Churr Chot' (छुर चोट )! Have patience, I will tell you what it is! It is a crepe made out of rice flour. Coarse thick rice grain flour works best. The sound 'Churr' is the sizzling sound it makes as you put the batter on the griddle and 'chot' translates as bread, flat bread in this case. Actually it is a savoury sizzling crepe. It of course is from my native land; Kashmir. There are some differences but if you have had plain dosa from the south of India; It is similar.  A number of cuisine  world wide have a related item.

 

Essentially you take a little rice flour ; add some salt to taste; add some cumin seeds and optionally add a pinch of baking soda. That's it. Make a runny batter; use cold water and let it stand for a few minutes unless you are in a hurry! Traditionally it is cooked in mustard oil. That imparts  its unique flavour and  that bit of a sharpness to taste loved by connoisseurs. You can use sunflower oil or vegetable oil instead if you do not have mustard oil or can not bear its pungency. it is a bit of an acquired taste. Do not use butter, please! So spread a teaspoonful oil on the hot griddle and spread some batter thinly on it in a circular shape. keep the heat medium to low. let it cook for about two minutes or until bottom is crisp. Add few drops of oil to the sides if it feels too dry. There is no need to cook both sides. In fact a crisp side with a little soft gooey inside tastes best. Enjoy  fresh with a hot cup of sweetened tea. Traditionally it is eaten with kehwa which is also a kind of tea. Kehwa flavoured with cardmom and a strand or two of saffron is something to die for!

 

As I was telling you I was in my maternal grandmother's massive kitchen. I lived there for the first couple of years of my life. Sort of my foster home! why is a bit complicated! My maternal grandma Sonabatani a.k.a. Bhabhi was an exceptional cook and she was making 'Yaaz'. A steamed thick rice flour dumpling with walnut pieces. It is shaped like a conical skull cap. Steamed pieces are slowly crisp fried in oily water in an earthen pot . Another heavenly food made of rice flour that is rarely made these days because of  the time, precise care and culinary expertise it takes. I was young, between 2 to 3 years of age and she gave me one of the 'Yaaz'. I found it hard to handle and my grand ma right away made a small "churr Chot' for me. That was the day and that is where I was when I knew. 

 

I made a few for my breakfast this Sunday with rather mixed results. Which is a polite way of saying they were less than good! Yeah, I still ate all three of them! Don't you give  an evil eye to my appetite! In a tragic twist of fate the same  grand mother  had to live her last days sharing  a one bedroom flat smaller than her kitchen of her own home in the valley of Kashmir, with four other members.  Islamic terrorism had violently uprooted her and  her circumstances had gotten severally reduced. 'Churr Chot' and 'Yaaz' became luxuries sacrificed at  the alter of survival.

 

On that note tell me where were you  when Islamic terrorists blew up the twin  towers in New York? I was finalizing the details of a pavilion design we were doing for Steel Authority of India and getting 1:100 scale model made simultaneously. Presentation was round the corner. That day Nitin, my drafts person who was working on the  Cad file  for me went on a news website and found out about it. "Ashutosh Sir"; he shouted! I was  with the freelance model maker one door down the hall !

 

 'Churr Chot' is a life long love  but isn't there  something  called 'love of a life time'? Where were  you when you finally knew you have found it? If you did?  One day in August long time ago I took a late night bus to another city. I arrived early morning. I brushed  my teeth and changed my tee shirt at the bus terminal; walked to a girls hostel and sent a message through the security guard. Person I had  travelled to see came out holding an unfinished sandwich from her breakfast. She shared her sandwich with me ; grumbled a little but missed her class too for me.  We went to a municipal park not too far away. That park was not exactly the garden of Eden!

 

Soon it started drizzling lightly and it became a lot cooler. She was wearing a blue skirt and I am partial to blue on a women; specially Ultramarine and Prussian blue. She looked like the most beautiful women on earth. I looked on mesmerized! Immediately  I thought She must be cold and I have nothing to cover her  with. I realized I was thinking like her parent; her friend and her lover all at once! I wanted to simply dissolve my entire being into her and make her loose herself in mine! I knew for sure this was it  for life! That is were I was; in that derelict public park! 

 

She did something that day because she has occupied every cell of mine since. I have failed completely to get her out. I Can't really figure out what in the blazes this connection is. I am crazy; because a life time has passed since and I have nothing to show for all those decades. I received nothing but a lifelong stain  and this person  does not even exist any more in this physical dimension except in my memory! A seriously shrunk version of this person does exist somewhere. They are in their comfort zone and do not care any more; even about basic courtesy! Maybe this is happening in an alternate reality that I just do not comprehend. I don't know !

 

It is rather pointless now but I will tell you where I was when I definitely knew I am no longer in her life! I did not want to believe it at the time though! It did get confirmed a day or two later when I got stranded because my person  had to go shopping with her 'friend'. I had only travelled 5000 km to see her; not so important! was it ?

 

Ironically it was a place diametrically opposite to that dreary little park we talked about previously.  Kashmir valley is one of most beautiful places on earth. Before Islamic terrorism destroyed it millions visited it for tourism and on special occasion like honeymoons and romantic getaways. So there we were sitting next to each other in a Shikara enjoying a lazy boat ride in the calm waters of the Dal lake. Venice is no match to what you can experience on the Dal lake with the right company. 

 

It was a bright sunny day. It might as well have been gloomy and cloudy. My companion on the boat was emotionally absent! There was no warmth in her voice; much less any love; but she was talking constantly. It was all about the richness of her friends, their car, material things she missed getting her hands on, a fourth party that tried to date her! Everything but 'us'. it was all very performative. Much later I realized it was a mechanism to avoid having a substantive discussion with me or giving me a honest   sit-rep.  It was clear that I was always a convenience and never a commitment. I was a poor  rejected option and by showing up I had become an annoyance. An irritant that needed to be kept stalled in a web of dishonest lies by bread crumbing and finally ghosting. It was a carefully planned and calibrated maneuver. Betrayal, as you know, is never a mistake. It is a choice that requires detailed planning, clear will and serious action.

 

Yeah, I was with the person of my dreams; in one of the most romantic places on earth, floating gently on a boat on a serene lake. It was a bright sunny beautiful day! It was such a good day to die! Wasn't it? Innocent pure version of myself; one with an empathetic heart died that day.  Irony of the situation is not lost on you; is it?

 

I am a grounded person. Fought really hard with my demons for decades to achieve this balance. I am not looking for anything at this stage of life. I do not need to prove anything and I do not require outside validation. However at times I wonder where were they when they decided betrayal is better than taking responsibility for a relationship. Abandoning and running away is better than  showing up for your person? Where they decided it is beneficial  to get money for their self respect, identity, professional career, family and culture. Where were they when they decided unconditional love should be sacrificed for their selfish lust?  Where were they when they decided strategic lying and planned silence is easier than  accountable action and  honest communication? Where did they resolve to treat people; who only gave them love, even when they were not in a good place; like toilet paper?  Where were they when they decided it is OK  to be impervious to the near mortal pain they are  causing; to be rude; disrespectful; pathetically cold and hide away?

 

Where were they when they decided it validates them to sleep with their married boss! Supposedly a 'pregnant' friend's husband. In a hotel room somewhere in the city! Perhaps during one of their trysts at a scenic spot, where they told me  it would require a 'car'!

 

Anyway it is a never ending game! This  'where were you'! Try some of your own life events. It might illuminate your understanding of the ways of the world. By the way isn't it quite amazing how devouring a couple of sizzling crepe for breakfast could unleash this runaway train of old memories and  wildly berserk thoughts in me!

 

Listen , if nothing else try making a 'Churr Chot'. Chances are you will like the taste and years from now you will have a  'where were you' story. Only better than mine! I hope! Many blessings of ' Navreh'; Kashmiri new year and also a new year for most of the Indian communities.

 

 

 

 

सौनथ!

वसंत आगमन की शुभ कामनाएं!