Silence of Paradise!

Representative picture

No ,I am not crying; no; not really! There actually is a story; a ghost story behind it all and if you insist; we'll need to go back a little. Actually go back a lot; about 50 years.

I was in school and so was the witch.... alright we will call her Ghost and maintain decorum. Witch does not sound respectful and she is very easy on the eye as well. I saw the ghost in its human form for about five minutes while attending a marriage. Don't you get any funny ideas though! We hardly registered on each other's radars. Alright; alright, my radar blinked! I won't admit to anything more! No words were exchanged that day.

These memories have come flooding back because the other day I watched "Songs of Paradise". Lovely little gem of a movie  that tells the story of a legendary female singer of Kashmir- the land of my birth. Her Music has been recreated with great skill and taste . Of course it has been shot on real locations. There were those sights and sounds that reside in  all of us who hail from the place. Every street, every old house; the wooden bridge; the lake; my river, my people - everything resonated with me.  Every frame sang to me. It was an emotional roller-coaster that did transport me there and jolted the chords of  my memory.

Did I tell you I have a love/ hate relationship with the place! I do. I love everything there and I hate everything. It is because of all that I cherished and all that got denied to me! You think it is childish; but you are not me!

So this ghost did come across me a couple of more times over the years. What happened one night however was life changing. I had lost my most favourite person on earth a couple of days earlier to a road mishap. We were in deep mourning. Too many people in the house on the day that needed to sleep. So a lot of people crashed on a bedroom floor one night. Sometime during the night I felt a strange smooth warmth come over me. I was half awake, half asleep but I remember this clearly to this day. When I woke up in the morning everyone else had already gotten up and left the room. Just one person was sleeping squeezed between my mattress and the wall under a  warm cover. Only the face with unruly hair was visible. Lo and behold; It was the ghost in human form that sometime in the night found that corner to lay her head. Remember the warmth that enveloped me? It was their aura! That moment changed my life entirely. I fell head over heels for her, that exact instant. My feelings have not changed yet and most of my life has already been lived. I am not likely to fall out of it now! Not sure though if it is a blessing or a curse! Imagine finding a new begining while mourning a massive loss  !  Life is stranger than fiction. I would not  have believed it, but it happened to me.

This ghost soon became friendly; even in its human form. We interacted sporadically and became close. We shared some secrets; some jokes; lots of plans and happy times. We found we think alike and could finish each other's sentences. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Shortly ghost's human form became the very embodiment of every thing I like and everyone I like. My paradise! My Kashmir; all rolled into one person. Then one day  fate struck and the human form ran away. Hid herself in those very streets of Kashmir. Never to be found again. Never! You now realize why I hate what I love ! 

If you thought the story ended there, you would be far off the mark! It in fact started there! The ghost almost immediately returned to haunt me by taking over every cell in my body and  occupied most of my mind. I do not know how at the same time it manages to  make itself felt right behind my right shoulder also. It is inside me, outside me and around me. It does not go away. Not even for a second. It has remained there for four decades now. It is there when I am taking a shower. It is there right besides me in the car. It hears me curse other drivers on road. There it is while I take a walk. It is with me at the mall; at work; in a restaurant.... Sometimes it takes the shape of a stranger but vanishes somewhere when I go near it.

I used to get  seriously disturbed and annoyed. I wanted it to go away. I asked it to let me be; many times. I called it some very bad names to push it away. I told it how much I abhored it ! I told it to show up in the human form or get the hell lost ! Nothing ; nothing really affects this ghost. It does what it does; when it does!

 Eventually I learned to live with it after I moved cities to other corner of the world but found that the ghost is travelling with me two rows away! No, there is no getting away from this for me!

I asked myself, would I ever  have let go of it had this ghost come to me in it's human form?  It is quite complicated but the short answer is; never; no; not in a thousand years! So I have tried to have some interaction with the ghost for some years now. I tell the ghost everything that is happening with me. I ask its opinion on things. I have told a few jokes. We have had coffee together. Attended social gatherings; picnics; marriage receptions and parties. I seek Ghost's approval on my wardrobe. Don't you dare laugh!

The ghost does not speak to me. It never answers back  and it never shows up in a human form; but It has not left me yet. Ghost has kept up its ghosting.

 Of late though I do not feel  it over my right shoulder at times. It goes away suddenly and than it returns quickly. Maybe  it is going deeper inside me or maybe it is trying to leave me like it's human form did. Just when I have gotten used to it being a part of my life. 

I am no longer seeking to be free of this ghost. I do not abandon; not even my ghost! It is the only peace left to me anyway.

Dreams die. Some sooner than later. I was keeping some dreams locked, but they depended upon the ghost showing up in it's human form. That did not happen and it looks quite impossible now. So I have finally let those useless dreams leave through  the portal of my eyes. These are not tears.

It would not have hurt so much except that there is this silence on top of it.  This is so, so unbearably heavy!

Paradise has no songs for me; none! Only silence. My lost paradise is silent and I can not do a thing about it! 

I am not crying. I am not! These are my dreams finally saying good bye!

 

बातूनी!

representative graphic

इक गुज़रे ज़माने में  कुछ था  जो वो था;

कुछ हुआ ही न होता तो क्या बात करते?

इस लंबी खामोशी ने जो दूरियां बढ़ा दी हैं;

मिलते तो आंखों कहती, और क्या बात करते?

कितने तुम्हारे राज़ इस दिल में दफन हैं;

सब कुछ भी गर बताते,तो क्या बात करते?

हर बात  बतानी थी, सुनते तुम्हारी हर पल ;

 सिलसिले सब तुमने तोड़े ; फिर क्या बात करते?

 

 है तुमसे ये छुपाया, इक ही है दोस्त अपना; 

उसने भी कब निभाया, फिर क्या बात करते?

किस आसानी से तुमने मुझको दिए हैं धोखे; 

हम ये ही भूल जाते तो क्या बात करते?

"खुश हो न तुम"; बस इतना सा पूछना था;

इतनी सी बात करते; फिर क्या बात करते?

 माला फेरने की उम्र में हम; जाने किस साल पे रुके हैं!

दुनिया के शोर ओ गुल में फिर क्या बात करते?

ऐसा कैसे !

La Femme Quite Pleure (The weeping woman) by Pablo Picasso

Oil on  canvas,  1937,  61x50 cm.     Tate Museum.

अब बची ही कितनी थी,जिंदगी घिसट रही थी जैसे कैसे।

निकल जाते खामोशी से, ये दरवाज़ा बेवक्त खटका कैसे?

हवा थी ये , फिर उसमें तुम्हारी खुशबू आई तो फिर आई कैसे?

जीना यूं ही मुश्किल था, अब मरे भी तो  मरे कैसे?

जाओ अपना कत्ल तुम्हे माफ किया, प्यार है, करता न कैसे?

 ये खुद को जो तुमने ज़ाया किया, उसकी माफी कभी न दूंगा। दूं भी कैसे?

आओ दिखाएं मुस्कुराती आंखों से जी भर भर कर रोते हैं कैसे?

रोम रोम में बसने वाले को पराई बाहों में देख   रोज़ चिता पर दहकते हैं कैसे?

हर पल जिनके के साथ था जीना , बिन उनके हम बूढ़े हुए तो कैसे? 

सिखाएं तुम्हे जादू;  टूटे वादे को सपनों में  फिर जोड़ते हैं कैसे?

देखो हर रोज़ जहर पी पी कर फिर से सासों को झेलते हैं कैसे?

उम्र भर के दगा का दाग हंसकर रोकर पालते हैं कैसे?

मेरी कोई चीख तुम तक पहुंची ही नहीं, तुम्हारा सिसकना मुझे दिखेगा कैसे?

ताउम्र मेरी हर बात अनसुनी रही,तुम्हारी चुप कहीं सुनेगी कैसे?

ये होगा कैसे; वो होगा कैसे; कुछ भी होगा क्या? पर होगा कैसे?

Three of Swords!

 Ektrina was drunk a little,so was I. We had just finished dinner with our group and then continued our discussions on the renaissance movement as we took the elevator to my room. I was a little high on  champagne as I said but not so high that I could not see that she was making moves  to stay in. I was young, stupid and idealistic. So  that night after a little while I called the front desk for a taxi for her to go home; before things got  hot. That I thought was the  appropriate thing to do since I was in a committed relationship.

Do not ask me what I think today. You may not like the answer !

Anyway a couple of days later I took a long flight  to see the one I was missing so badly, the love of my life! I had managed to conjure this trip by a lot of manoeuvring; calling in every favour and at a substantial cost to me. You see, I was not supposed to break my assignment as per  my contract but I was in love and I would pay any price.

 I had bought some semi precious  trinkets and a ring which was received with eyes moist with emotion befitting the occasion. Two days later however my person stranded me because ," my friend had to buy clothes"! Really , that's  what my priority was in their eyes? My person never talked about 'us'; never discussed a future plan and mentioned the richness and the  car of this ' friend'  pretty much with every second breath during the two odd weeks I was there.

Anyway that trip I was met with naked lies, cruel deception and gas lighting.  Clearly they were already intimate and I was already on the chopping block . They just maintained the confusion by bread crumbing.  It did culminate in a shamelessly selfish and an inconsiderate full betrayal soon after with the same 'rich car driver'.

About forty years later I made another long gruelling trip to mostly see the same person. Again at a very high cost,largely emotional. I Put the acrimony  of  the betrayal behind and ignored the permanent wreck it  has foisted on my life. Yes, I am really as stupid as I was in my youth!  When I did not change; how in the blazes did I expect this person to have changed? 

Luckily nobody cheated me this time round. There were no lies, no betrayal; nothing. Literally nothing ; since nobody bothered to talk to me! I expected 'unloved' but I went unseen and unheard too. No consideration was ever shown and there was zero recognition of the effort I was making. I did not even merit the basic courtesy of a 'hi'! They chose not to  recognise my existence.  Although I made it clear that silence is rude and insulting to me;  I was met with a whole lot of silence.  Of course I was blocked on every channel of communication.They did not want to know what I had to say. At least they made a clear choice.

It was quite devastating to see how dramatically this person had shrunk. Inversely proportional to their super inflated ego! Apart from where they are in their life ; what have they become!  I cried tears of blood for what could have been if they had only trusted me in life. As usual they did not. Honest loyalty; unconditional love and pure emotions hold no value in their eyes! All  of their choices are based on their current selfish interests.  Well; so much for my long distance travelling!

 

This person lost their family, lost their faith, lost identity, lost culture , lost honour. They lost a career; lost equality & freedom; lost an unconditional love and  as for intellectual companionship for life - Lost! Lost! Actually I am so  wrong; "lost" is not the word. This hapless person gleefully exchanged all of the above for money! Yeah! They did.Tragic but true! Sadly, Based on the available evidence I do not think they have a lot of it either! 

Even if they have become super rich; it is still an abominable deal that they made; rank bad deal is what I think! There is no rationale for such a smart , educated and intelligent person to do so; except wanton greed, runaway lust and maybe some black magic.  

Forty years should have given them some clarity; lot of wisdom and a little humility. They should have realized that  no amount of money will ever compensate for what they so churlishly junked by the roadside. Enormity of all they lost  should have dawned upon them! It should have been clear that they would have fared significantly better in life, had they trusted their own  education & abilities to achieve success. They did not need anybody to be rich. Unfortunately they took the short slippery route to easy riches and paid an unaffordable price for it!

They should have realized that if someone  still cared for them despite everything; it is nothing short of a heavenly  blessing that they needed to nurture. Alas!

 

Ego, pride and emotional  immaturity destroyed this person. Their constant need for external validation and implusive seeking of sensory thrills have gotten them in trouble on every occasion.  They learned nothing from their past mishap and graduated to craft a graver one. Absolutely life altering one!

Their unwillingness  to communicate has blocked every chance of a recovery. Their running away from responsibility and accountability has made their life miserable. They do not want to address their troubles, so they have to live with it -  in hiding! 

I suspect they probably realized quickly the crazy mess they have gotten embroiled in. There were far too many red flags to miss. Sadly their pride and ego stopped them from admitting their faults and exiting their choice while there was time to repair the damage. Of course they have continued to make that  same choice every night for forty years. ' Selfish Greed' is the only explanation that fits. Maybe they are ashamed , maybe they are blase' ; but cutting all ties past this blunder to their own support network was the worst possible advice they have ever received in their life! Rank stupid, if this  was self medication. Absolutely disgraceful, manipulative and sinister if they acted upon outside advice. Who in their right mind fires their own cheering party?  I could shoot the person responsible.

 

Since they do not communicate, I am sensing from my third eye for them to be  in a 'three of swords" situation as they say in the intuitive world. They are alone and up against a wall, yet they would not let me get their back and I was physically present for it too ! God really really pushed me to show up by creating helpful circumstances magically; where none existed !

Maybe the last trip was a lesson God designed for me! God however needs to come in directly without involving me going forward. If God wishes to help! 

In fact this person has been  quite comfortable with my absence for decades. They were enjoying life in peace  all these years; never missed me! My showing up on the scene may have unnecessarily stirred up a hornets nest. I do not wish any harm  whatsoever to come to this person; specially on my account. May they live their chosen life happily. May they get  all they want. I willingly give over half of my entire good luck and blessings ever earned to this person. Let that be my gift! I  could literally cut my heart out to turn back time and avert these troubles for them but life and time sadly only work in a linear forward movement. I will always care as promised but only God can help this person - if this person's ego allows.

Oh Donald !

The US president has always presented tariffs on goods and services as some kind of a silver bullet that will fix everything. His position was well know  even before and during his election campaign. One however did expect him to use sagacity, long term vision and keep  real world economic realities in mind when in office.

Sadly this is the worst version of Trump so far. He is going more for high noise , sharp optics and zero intelligence options in his second presidency. It sadly is not limited to economy but as diverse matters as immigration, academia and LGBTQ matters are being handled in a harsh ,insensitive and self defeating manner. There of course are other  political and global power games as policy factors but his strong arm coersive policies will end with egg on his face in a very short time,I predict.

According to statistics 50% of all phd candidates in the US are foreign born. What happens when you kick them out? Silicon valley became Silicon valley on the backs of foreign born engineers on H1B visa. Trump may want to check who runs top most US tech. generating thousands upon thousands of jobs. Does he want these top guns to go home and work from Bangalore  and Shenzen?

Anyway let us stick to tariffs. Look at the electric vehicles segment for example. The biggest electric vehicles company in the world is ..... no , it is not Tesla. It is BYD. It is a chinese company. They make the best cars and commercial vehicles in the world at a price point which is way lower than Tesla. 

Apparently the tariffs on them was 30% during Joe Biden administration which this genius in the White House has raised to 100%. BYD can not afford to sell in the US market. Europe is gleefully  using them. What it means that an European competitor has lesser cost to operate than a US entity which will have to buy an expensive Tesla commercial vehicle. It may temporarily protect some Tesla jobs but very quickly loose several times more because US companies with a higher operating cost will get  priced out of the market.

There are several other examples from different areas of the US economy in a similar predicament.

Canada, where I live is still prefixed with USA. You will be surprised how many think of them as one country. It is very common in the post office to get mail addressed to someone in a Canadian city with USA as the destinaton country!

The relation is this close and Trump has literally gone to war with Canada. First with the 51st state jab and then opening tariff hostilities. The economic loss is already biting sharply on both sides of the border.

Trump used the Russian - Ukraine war pretext to put 25% tariffs on India, now increased to 50%.  Stop buying Russian oil he commands. It is financing Russia's war! Everyone understands he is actually actually irked and threatened by the BRICS . Again according to statistics  BRICS countries together have 35% of the world economy as opposed to about 27% held by The US. So instead of engaging in a meaningful,  robust economic cooperation with the BRICS , Trump is taking the low road of trying to arm twist.

India will be impacted by the tariffs, however expected to absorb the fallout. imagine the impact on health care  costs in the USA as bulk of generic medicine in the US is sourced from India.  They are the world's pharmacy!

What kind of loosing game is this bufoon playing at? As a reporter asked him the other day, US is buying uranium and fertilizers from Russia, how is that not financing the war on Ukraine?  

What a hypocratic loose cannon he is proving to be. Kamala could not have done any worse; could she?

 

Lost Again!

 Representative Image. "Scream"!

We all want to win at all times but normally life  does not work like that. It will make us bite the dust from time to time. It is not important that you lost; rather how you pick yourself back up, dust your clothes and get back on the program; that is what matters.

 

We all have our own individual coping mechanisms to deal with a disappointment. Some people cry when no one is watching; some go for a long walk; other's talk to a friend; have a coffee, read, sketch...... many ways , all very valid! I have tried most of them and they really work. We fail an exam; we prepare and try again. We suck at baseball;we quit and try ping pong! Some losses are easily replaceable some are not.

 

Even in the case of  some one close passing. A systematic approach to grieving exists that culminates in a final good bye. There is a finality to the whole thing and human  survival instinct ensures that life goes on. The loss slowly becomes a dull ache over the years and then a sad memory.

 

What really happens when there is no physical death but you lose an individual close to your heart? This is a real hard one! There is a very steep recovery curve here. Depending upon the individual circumstances it could take a lifetime to come to terms with it. In all cases it is a lengthy  process even when we deploy every available coping strategy. I have heard it can be done! My own experience differs though. Maybe I am weak.

 

Can you lose the same person twice in a life time?  Yeah; I know; some of the God's chosen do have all the luck! No body is dead but everyone wishes they were not even born ever! The stench of loss becomes so pronounced that you can smell it oozing out of every cell in your body. It permeates everything you see, hear or touch. It places you on the precipice of a deep bottomless gorge. Taking the last step into the void feels like relief!

Can there be any recovery from such a colossal loss? One will have to live with this festering malignancy to the end of their days and just pray- pray for an early release from this jail called  the human world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

खंजर !

Representative image , "female figurine holding a knife"

 

 कभी इज़हार कर, कभी इकरार कर,

बेवफ़ा बन के कभी बेकरार कर ;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

बेवक़्त मुलाकात को कभी आ कर,

कभी दिन भर का इंतजार ज़ाया कर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

कभी यूं ही रूठ रुसा कर,

 किसी भी तरह कभी न मान कर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

कभी बेपनाह प्यार से संवार कर,

कभी हर उम्मीद को दुत्कार कर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया ।

कभी जिस्म बनकर, कभी जान बनकर,

कभी बेबस का ख्याल बनकर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

 दोस्त बनकर कभी हमसफर बनकर,

मुंह फेरकर कभी अजनबी बनकर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

 नाहक तोहमतों के कभी बोल बोल कर,

सामने आकर भी कभी चुप रहकर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

उम्र भर का कभी सपना दिखा कर,

दो कदम पर ही कभी हाथ छुड़ा कर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।