End Game!

 "Buddha under the tree of knowledge" 

Still Life.Digital photo.

Ashutosh kaul-2025

Amrita pritam once described the outermost limit of sorrow as the situation where the 'ink in your pen too dries out'. You  are so sad that you can not even write about it. Your tears would have dried out long ago.

I remembered this as I was recently lounging on the undulating deck of the lakehouse. Water waves from the lake were sloshing the sides of the deck and the moon was shining in the night sky. I could see the deep blue of the sky adorned with twinkling stars as far as my gaze reached. There was no other sound , just myself, stars and the gentle lake!

Life is what you make of it. All of my troubles at that moment just evaporated.Gone! I realized I still have it in me to take sorrow head on. My ink is yet to dry; even my tears are well and truly alive! We are not going to need them today anyway.

I was in grade 3 when Ms. Kusum, the music teacher at our school called me out of my classroom. We went up to the music room on the first floor. She had  heard my humming and wanted to see how good I can be. Her harmonium was all set up and she asked me to sing. Anything. I sang a few lines from a cabaret number picturised on Helen.  Then she requested another song. This time I picked a Rafi song. Remember I was in grade 3. This went on for a bit and I still remember the look of increasing disappointment on her face. She had failed to discover the next singing sensation. I was never going to be a singer! I am in tune but my voice is just short of horrible. 

People that know me , know that  I hum all the time. Even during a major crisis a tune is playing in my mind. Kusum madam that day left me with  her loving advice to keep humming always. I have kept it up. I was very young and did not realize the disappointment then.  Later I complained silently! God should had given me a good voice.

Only recently have I found how beneficial humming is for your mental health.It also has a salubrious impact on  other physical parameters including your cardiac health.That's the gift God wanted me to have and made Kusum madam deliver it!

My teacher Mr.Jugal Kishore Sharma; who is still in touch with me sent for me to come over to grade 8 class room. I was in grade 6. The teacher thought highly of me and asked me to speak extempore on " movement is life"! There I was under a spotlight. Junior most lecturing to senior most! I did mumble something about dead make no movement. I was nervous and hot under the collar but that day taught me a systematic process of thinking. I am still learning but  God did send guidance to Sir who created the opportunity for me to elevate.

Later in life I found myself  a student in Nainital. A smaller place and a  non descript educational institution was my fate. I seriously resented it but had no wriggle room. Why me? Why?

Two years down the line I had developed a lifelong love of poetry and won a national scholarship. Money I used to fund 4 years of my art education. 3 out of 4 years I did not take a single cent from home. Drawing material is very expensive and in those pre computer days everything was to be done in real time. Nobody had heard of virtual design. I would have been hard pressed if that scholarship did not exist. I used up a tonne of expensive drawing material that God provided by sending me to Nainital. I see this clearly now!

I came out of the university and got a job that my class mate recommended me for. She got selected from campus but  her family was immigrating to the US and their papers had come in. She told her soon to be ex boss about a brilliant designer- me! Thing to note is that she did not recommend her special friend. I have always wondered about it. Apparently being a gentle, self less person is not without merit. God does see everything! 

I applied  for a project in Russia as a long shot; with zero experience of large projects and that too in a foreign work environment. I got an interview; surprise ! The project director turned out to be a neighbour and knew my father well. He did not let this on during the interview and I did not know him from Adam, but I got to be the project designer without knowing much. Good luck; God; dad's reputation ; call it whatever! I was so unqualified that I would not have hired myself if it was my decision! That's how God helped me earn a reputation for being an expert in foreign projects. Later on I worked on several  such projects in Europe as well as in the Indian sub continent. Needed help came from above!

Era immediately after this project happens to be the lowest point in my life as I lost pretty much everything I had been working towards for years. We will not go there today, but listen I got hired by the Government of India to be a design consultant on the strength of my Russian experience.

What happened in one interview actually was surreal. It was for another job and I was in the waiting area with some other candidates when I was called in. The vice president interviewing me was ex army,  a major general to boot. As I entered he said; "come in Mr. Kaul, I have already selected you, I just wanted to see you in person"! Seriously! That was the interview. Rest of the time we had coffee and he told me about his various campaigns that he commanded. Just like that and  I was the graphics manager for the Hyatt Group!

Apparently he had a very high opinion of my community and the fact that our community had to be  refugees in our own land because of Islamic terrorism in Kashmir made him sympathetic. 

In perspective God sending me to be born in that smelly bylane of  old  Srinagar city; to a  lower middle class parents and into a persecuted minority community was just part of a grand design. Do you see that?

J Walter Thompson is a very big communications company; very old and very reputable. Somehow I got hired. Unknown to me was that my boss had the reputation of going through a lot of teams. He would sacrifice a team member to save his position. I was to be his second in command!

I was given a project second day on the job.  The client Motorola had rejected thirteen design submissions and we were just a whisker away from losing the project entirely.  That had major implications on other jobs in the pipeline. Big bucks were involved. Mega bucks! I was hired to be the sacrificial lamb that would be chopped when we did loose the project. I was told all of this later by other people; much later.

 Completely unaware of the danger, I did what I did and rest is history. My career  within the organisation boomed on that one design with backlit circular blue ceiling feature and metallic wall panels. Sounds very cheesy and you will not catch me doing it today. Back then though this Client not only ate out of my hands while I worked for JWT. It gave me projects worth a lot of money when I started my own practice. I also became the choice designer for all tech clients. You can not miss the hand of God in all this. A dodgy boss; angry client;  rookie designer.... How did it all come up smelling roses?

So back to my starry night. I am not exactly a fan of the city I currently live in. My hand really got forced as I was finding my home town unbearably choking for reasons we will not go into today.

I really  can not start to sum up all the blessings I have had ; in all other facets of life too.  I feel thankful to many individuals that became the agents of God's benevolence towards me. Too many to count here. I have not done much to deserve this amazing experience that I have had.

God saw my challenges and trials of the past few months and God decided to give me some peace ; where I am ! A lot of peace, lot of clarity, strength and  a sense of balance as well. There can be no other explanation to it. It is God showing me light!

I trust God to provide exactly what I need; what I deserve and what I have earned!  Exactly on time! God will retain what is not for me and  God will provide in abundance what is meant for me! All I have to do is what I have to!  I need to be completly honest and truthful. I must not be selfish or betray others or myself! That's it! Simple!

I trust that not only will God provide a cherished sunset; God will never forget to provide a new spectacular sunrise.I will grow with every challenge.Life is what you make of it. God is looking out for me!

Silence of Paradise!

Representative picture

No ,I am not crying; no; not really! There actually is a story; a ghost story behind it all and if you insist; we'll need to go back a little. Actually go back a lot; about 50 years.

I was in school and so was the witch.... alright we will call her Ghost and maintain decorum. Witch does not sound respectful and she is very easy on the eye as well. I saw the ghost in its human form for about five minutes while attending a marriage. Don't you get any funny ideas though! We hardly registered on each other's radars. Alright; alright, my radar blinked! I won't admit to anything more! No words were exchanged that day.

These memories have come flooding back because the other day I watched "Songs of Paradise". Lovely little gem of a movie  that tells the story of a legendary female singer of Kashmir- the land of my birth. Her Music has been recreated with great skill and taste . Of course it has been shot on real locations. There were those sights and sounds that reside in  all of us who hail from the place. Every street, every old house; the wooden bridge; the lake; my river, my people - everything resonated with me.  Every frame sang to me. It was an emotional roller-coaster that did transport me there and jolted the chords of  my memory.

Did I tell you I have a love/ hate relationship with the place! I do. I love everything there and I hate everything. It is because of all that I cherished and all that got denied to me! You think it is childish; but you are not me!

So this ghost did come across me a couple of more times over the years. What happened one night however was life changing. I had lost my most favourite person on earth a couple of days earlier to a road mishap. We were in deep mourning. Too many people in the house on the day that needed to sleep. So a lot of people crashed on a bedroom floor one night. Sometime during the night I felt a strange smooth warmth come over me. I was half awake, half asleep but I remember this clearly to this day. When I woke up in the morning everyone else had already gotten up and left the room. Just one person was sleeping squeezed between my mattress and the wall under a  warm cover. Only the face with unruly hair was visible. Lo and behold; It was the ghost in human form that sometime in the night found that corner to lay her head. Remember the warmth that enveloped me? It was their aura! That moment changed my life entirely. I fell head over heels for her, that exact instant. My feelings have not changed yet and most of my life has already been lived. I am not likely to fall out of it now! Not sure though if it is a blessing or a curse! Imagine finding a new begining while mourning a massive loss  !  Life is stranger than fiction. I would not  have believed it, but it happened to me.

This ghost soon became friendly; even in its human form. We interacted sporadically and became close. We shared some secrets; some jokes; lots of plans and happy times. We found we think alike and could finish each other's sentences. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Shortly ghost's human form became the very embodiment of every thing I like and everyone I like. My paradise! My Kashmir; all rolled into one person. Then one day  fate struck and the human form ran away. Hid herself in those very streets of Kashmir. Never to be found again. Never! You now realize why I hate what I love ! 

If you thought the story ended there, you would be far off the mark! It in fact started there! The ghost almost immediately returned to haunt me by taking over every cell in my body and  occupied most of my mind. I do not know how at the same time it manages to  make itself felt right behind my right shoulder also. It is inside me, outside me and around me. It does not go away. Not even for a second. It has remained there for four decades now. It is there when I am taking a shower. It is there right besides me in the car. It hears me curse other drivers on road. There it is while I take a walk. It is with me at the mall; at work; in a restaurant.... Sometimes it takes the shape of a stranger but vanishes somewhere when I go near it.

I used to get  seriously disturbed and annoyed. I wanted it to go away. I asked it to let me be; many times. I called it some very bad names to push it away. I told it how much I abhored it ! I told it to show up in the human form or get the hell lost ! Nothing ; nothing really affects this ghost. It does what it does; when it does!

 Eventually I learned to live with it after I moved cities to other corner of the world but found that the ghost is travelling with me two rows away! No, there is no getting away from this for me!

I asked myself, would I ever  have let go of it had this ghost come to me in it's human form?  It is quite complicated but the short answer is; never; no; not in a thousand years! So I have tried to have some interaction with the ghost for some years now. I tell the ghost everything that is happening with me. I ask its opinion on things. I have told a few jokes. We have had coffee together. Attended social gatherings; picnics; marriage receptions and parties. I seek Ghost's approval on my wardrobe. Don't you dare laugh!

The ghost does not speak to me. It never answers back  and it never shows up in a human form; but It has not left me yet. Ghost has kept up its ghosting.

 Of late though I do not feel  it over my right shoulder at times. It goes away suddenly and than it returns quickly. Maybe  it is going deeper inside me or maybe it is trying to leave me like it's human form did. Just when I have gotten used to it being a part of my life. 

I am no longer seeking to be free of this ghost. I do not abandon; not even my ghost! It is the only peace left to me anyway.

Dreams die. Some sooner than later. I was keeping some dreams locked, but they depended upon the ghost showing up in it's human form. That did not happen and it looks quite impossible now. So I have finally let those useless dreams leave through  the portal of my eyes. These are not tears.

It would not have hurt so much except that there is this silence on top of it.  This is so, so unbearably heavy!

Paradise has no songs for me; none! Only silence. My lost paradise is silent and I can not do a thing about it! 

I am not crying. I am not! These are my dreams finally saying good bye!

 

बातूनी!

representative graphic

इक गुज़रे ज़माने में  कुछ था  जो वो था;

कुछ हुआ ही न होता तो क्या बात करते?

इस लंबी खामोशी ने जो दूरियां बढ़ा दी हैं;

मिलते तो आंखों कहती, और क्या बात करते?

कितने तुम्हारे राज़ इस दिल में दफन हैं;

सब कुछ भी गर बताते,तो क्या बात करते?

हर बात  बतानी थी, सुनते तुम्हारी हर पल ;

 सिलसिले सब तुमने तोड़े ; फिर क्या बात करते?

 

 है तुमसे ये छुपाया, इक ही है दोस्त अपना; 

उसने भी कब निभाया, फिर क्या बात करते?

किस आसानी से तुमने मुझको दिए हैं धोखे; 

हम ये ही भूल जाते तो क्या बात करते?

"खुश हो न तुम"; बस इतना सा पूछना था;

इतनी सी बात करते; फिर क्या बात करते?

 माला फेरने की उम्र में हम; जाने किस साल पे रुके हैं!

दुनिया के शोर ओ गुल में फिर क्या बात करते?

ऐसा कैसे !

La Femme Quite Pleure (The weeping woman) by Pablo Picasso

Oil on  canvas,  1937,  61x50 cm.     Tate Museum.

अब बची ही कितनी थी,जिंदगी घिसट रही थी जैसे कैसे।

निकल जाते खामोशी से, ये दरवाज़ा बेवक्त खटका कैसे?

हवा थी ये , फिर उसमें तुम्हारी खुशबू आई तो फिर आई कैसे?

जीना यूं ही मुश्किल था, अब मरे भी तो  मरे कैसे?

जाओ अपना कत्ल तुम्हे माफ किया, प्यार है, करता न कैसे?

 ये खुद को जो तुमने ज़ाया किया, उसकी माफी कभी न दूंगा। दूं भी कैसे?

आओ दिखाएं मुस्कुराती आंखों से जी भर भर कर रोते हैं कैसे?

रोम रोम में बसने वाले को पराई बाहों में देख   रोज़ चिता पर दहकते हैं कैसे?

हर पल जिनके के साथ था जीना , बिन उनके हम बूढ़े हुए तो कैसे? 

सिखाएं तुम्हे जादू;  टूटे वादे को सपनों में  फिर जोड़ते हैं कैसे?

देखो हर रोज़ जहर पी पी कर फिर से सासों को झेलते हैं कैसे?

उम्र भर के दगा का दाग हंसकर रोकर पालते हैं कैसे?

मेरी कोई चीख तुम तक पहुंची ही नहीं, तुम्हारा सिसकना मुझे दिखेगा कैसे?

ताउम्र मेरी हर बात अनसुनी रही,तुम्हारी चुप कहीं सुनेगी कैसे?

ये होगा कैसे; वो होगा कैसे; कुछ भी होगा क्या? पर होगा कैसे?

Three of Swords!

 Ektrina was drunk a little,so was I. We had just finished dinner with our group and then continued our discussions on the renaissance movement as we took the elevator to my room. I was a little high on  champagne as I said but not so high that I could not see that she was making moves  to stay in. I was young, stupid and idealistic. So  that night after a little while I called the front desk for a taxi for her to go home; before things got  hot. That I thought was the  appropriate thing to do since I was in a committed relationship.

Do not ask me what I think today. You may not like the answer !

Anyway a couple of days later I took a long flight  to see the one I was missing so badly, the love of my life! I had managed to conjure this trip by a lot of manoeuvring; calling in every favour and at a substantial cost to me. You see, I was not supposed to break my assignment as per  my contract but I was in love and I would pay any price.

 I had bought some semi precious  trinkets and a ring which was received with eyes moist with emotion befitting the occasion. Two days later however my person stranded me because ," my friend had to buy clothes"! Really , that's  what my priority was in their eyes? My person never talked about 'us'; never discussed a future plan and mentioned the richness and the  car of this ' friend'  pretty much with every second breath during the two odd weeks I was there.

Anyway that trip I was met with naked lies, cruel deception and gas lighting.  Clearly they were already intimate and I was already on the chopping block . They just maintained the confusion by bread crumbing.  It did culminate in a shamelessly selfish and an inconsiderate full betrayal soon after with the same 'rich car driver'.

About forty years later I made another long gruelling trip to mostly see the same person. Again at a very high cost,largely emotional. I Put the acrimony  of  the betrayal behind and ignored the permanent wreck it  has foisted on my life. Yes, I am really as stupid as I was in my youth!  When I did not change; how in the blazes did I expect this person to have changed? 

Luckily nobody cheated me this time round. There were no lies, no betrayal; nothing. Literally nothing ; since nobody bothered to talk to me! I expected 'unloved' but I went unseen and unheard too. No consideration was ever shown and there was zero recognition of the effort I was making. I did not even merit the basic courtesy of a 'hi'! They chose not to  recognise my existence.  Although I made it clear that silence is rude and insulting to me;  I was met with a whole lot of silence.  Of course I was blocked on every channel of communication.They did not want to know what I had to say. At least they made a clear choice.

It was quite devastating to see how dramatically this person had shrunk. Inversely proportional to their super inflated ego! Apart from where they are in their life ; what have they become!  I cried tears of blood for what could have been if they had only trusted me in life. As usual they did not. Honest loyalty; unconditional love and pure emotions hold no value in their eyes! All  of their choices are based on their current selfish interests.  Well; so much for my long distance travelling!

 

This person lost their family, lost their faith, lost identity, lost culture , lost honour. They lost a career; lost equality & freedom; lost an unconditional love and  as for intellectual companionship for life - Lost! Lost! Actually I am so  wrong; "lost" is not the word. This hapless person gleefully exchanged all of the above for money! Yeah! They did.Tragic but true! Sadly, Based on the available evidence I do not think they have a lot of it either! 

Even if they have become super rich; it is still an abominable deal that they made; rank bad deal is what I think! There is no rationale for such a smart , educated and intelligent person to do so; except wanton greed, runaway lust and maybe some black magic.  

Forty years should have given them some clarity; lot of wisdom and a little humility. They should have realized that  no amount of money will ever compensate for what they so churlishly junked by the roadside. Enormity of all they lost  should have dawned upon them! It should have been clear that they would have fared significantly better in life, had they trusted their own  education & abilities to achieve success. They did not need anybody to be rich. Unfortunately they took the short slippery route to easy riches and paid an unaffordable price for it!

They should have realized that if someone  still cared for them despite everything; it is nothing short of a heavenly  blessing that they needed to nurture. Alas!

 

Ego, pride and emotional  immaturity destroyed this person. Their constant need for external validation and implusive seeking of sensory thrills have gotten them in trouble on every occasion.  They learned nothing from their past mishap and graduated to craft a graver one. Absolutely life altering one!

Their unwillingness  to communicate has blocked every chance of a recovery. Their running away from responsibility and accountability has made their life miserable. They do not want to address their troubles, so they have to live with it -  in hiding! 

I suspect they probably realized quickly the crazy mess they have gotten embroiled in. There were far too many red flags to miss. Sadly their pride and ego stopped them from admitting their faults and exiting their choice while there was time to repair the damage. Of course they have continued to make that  same choice every night for forty years. ' Selfish Greed' is the only explanation that fits. Maybe they are ashamed , maybe they are blase' ; but cutting all ties past this blunder to their own support network was the worst possible advice they have ever received in their life! Rank stupid, if this  was self medication. Absolutely disgraceful, manipulative and sinister if they acted upon outside advice. Who in their right mind fires their own cheering party?  I could shoot the person responsible.

 

Since they do not communicate, I am sensing from my third eye for them to be  in a 'three of swords" situation as they say in the intuitive world. They are alone and up against a wall, yet they would not let me get their back and I was physically present for it too ! God really really pushed me to show up by creating helpful circumstances magically; where none existed !

Maybe the last trip was a lesson God designed for me! God however needs to come in directly without involving me going forward. If God wishes to help! 

In fact this person has been  quite comfortable with my absence for decades. They were enjoying life in peace  all these years; never missed me! My showing up on the scene may have unnecessarily stirred up a hornets nest. I do not wish any harm  whatsoever to come to this person; specially on my account. May they live their chosen life happily. May they get  all they want. I willingly give over half of my entire good luck and blessings ever earned to this person. Let that be my gift! I  could literally cut my heart out to turn back time and avert these troubles for them but life and time sadly only work in a linear forward movement. I will always care as promised but only God can help this person - if this person's ego allows.

Oh Donald !

The US president has always presented tariffs on goods and services as some kind of a silver bullet that will fix everything. His position was well know  even before and during his election campaign. One however did expect him to use sagacity, long term vision and keep  real world economic realities in mind when in office.

Sadly this is the worst version of Trump so far. He is going more for high noise , sharp optics and zero intelligence options in his second presidency. It sadly is not limited to economy but as diverse matters as immigration, academia and LGBTQ matters are being handled in a harsh ,insensitive and self defeating manner. There of course are other  political and global power games as policy factors but his strong arm coersive policies will end with egg on his face in a very short time,I predict.

According to statistics 50% of all phd candidates in the US are foreign born. What happens when you kick them out? Silicon valley became Silicon valley on the backs of foreign born engineers on H1B visa. Trump may want to check who runs top most US tech. generating thousands upon thousands of jobs. Does he want these top guns to go home and work from Bangalore  and Shenzen?

Anyway let us stick to tariffs. Look at the electric vehicles segment for example. The biggest electric vehicles company in the world is ..... no , it is not Tesla. It is BYD. It is a chinese company. They make the best cars and commercial vehicles in the world at a price point which is way lower than Tesla. 

Apparently the tariffs on them was 30% during Joe Biden administration which this genius in the White House has raised to 100%. BYD can not afford to sell in the US market. Europe is gleefully  using them. What it means that an European competitor has lesser cost to operate than a US entity which will have to buy an expensive Tesla commercial vehicle. It may temporarily protect some Tesla jobs but very quickly loose several times more because US companies with a higher operating cost will get  priced out of the market.

There are several other examples from different areas of the US economy in a similar predicament.

Canada, where I live is still prefixed with USA. You will be surprised how many think of them as one country. It is very common in the post office to get mail addressed to someone in a Canadian city with USA as the destinaton country!

The relation is this close and Trump has literally gone to war with Canada. First with the 51st state jab and then opening tariff hostilities. The economic loss is already biting sharply on both sides of the border.

Trump used the Russian - Ukraine war pretext to put 25% tariffs on India, now increased to 50%.  Stop buying Russian oil he commands. It is financing Russia's war! Everyone understands he is actually actually irked and threatened by the BRICS . Again according to statistics  BRICS countries together have 35% of the world economy as opposed to about 27% held by The US. So instead of engaging in a meaningful,  robust economic cooperation with the BRICS , Trump is taking the low road of trying to arm twist.

India will be impacted by the tariffs, however expected to absorb the fallout. imagine the impact on health care  costs in the USA as bulk of generic medicine in the US is sourced from India.  They are the world's pharmacy!

What kind of loosing game is this bufoon playing at? As a reporter asked him the other day, US is buying uranium and fertilizers from Russia, how is that not financing the war on Ukraine?  

What a hypocratic loose cannon he is proving to be. Kamala could not have done any worse; could she?

 

Lost Again!

 Representative Image. "Scream"!

We all want to win at all times but normally life  does not work like that. It will make us bite the dust from time to time. It is not important that you lost; rather how you pick yourself back up, dust your clothes and get back on the program; that is what matters.

 

We all have our own individual coping mechanisms to deal with a disappointment. Some people cry when no one is watching; some go for a long walk; other's talk to a friend; have a coffee, read, sketch...... many ways , all very valid! I have tried most of them and they really work. We fail an exam; we prepare and try again. We suck at baseball;we quit and try ping pong! Some losses are easily replaceable some are not.

 

Even in the case of  some one close passing. A systematic approach to grieving exists that culminates in a final good bye. There is a finality to the whole thing and human  survival instinct ensures that life goes on. The loss slowly becomes a dull ache over the years and then a sad memory.

 

What really happens when there is no physical death but you lose an individual close to your heart? This is a real hard one! There is a very steep recovery curve here. Depending upon the individual circumstances it could take a lifetime to come to terms with it. In all cases it is a lengthy  process even when we deploy every available coping strategy. I have heard it can be done! My own experience differs though. Maybe I am weak.

 

Can you lose the same person twice in a life time?  Yeah; I know; some of the God's chosen do have all the luck! No body is dead but everyone wishes they were not even born ever! The stench of loss becomes so pronounced that you can smell it oozing out of every cell in your body. It permeates everything you see, hear or touch. It places you on the precipice of a deep bottomless gorge. Taking the last step into the void feels like relief!

Can there be any recovery from such a colossal loss? One will have to live with this festering malignancy to the end of their days and just pray- pray for an early release from this jail called  the human world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

खंजर !

Representative image , "female figurine holding a knife"

 

 कभी इज़हार कर, कभी इकरार कर,

बेवफ़ा बन के कभी बेकरार कर ;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

बेवक़्त मुलाकात को कभी आ कर,

कभी दिन भर का इंतजार ज़ाया कर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

कभी यूं ही रूठ रुसा कर,

 किसी भी तरह कभी न मान कर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

कभी बेपनाह प्यार से संवार कर,

कभी हर उम्मीद को दुत्कार कर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया ।

कभी जिस्म बनकर, कभी जान बनकर,

कभी बेबस का ख्याल बनकर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

 दोस्त बनकर कभी हमसफर बनकर,

मुंह फेरकर कभी अजनबी बनकर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

 नाहक तोहमतों के कभी बोल बोल कर,

सामने आकर भी कभी चुप रहकर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

उम्र भर का कभी सपना दिखा कर,

दो कदम पर ही कभी हाथ छुड़ा कर;

फिर एक खंजर उतार दिया।

 

 

Letter to God!

 

'Creation of man' Fresco in  Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo

 

Dear God,

Just so you know, I am angry with you and you will get an earful today! I do not know how are you running this whole  universe thing? What have I done to you that you have put a target on my back? No, I do not claim to be a paragon of virtue but listen there is nothing serious against me and don't you think  decades of constant agony is sufficient penalty for the crime of liking a person? Just one person!

Firstly explain to me why do you place me in this person's path again and again? Why ? To torment and rob me of vitality?  They have no use of me and you know it. They will never choose me, even if I was the last person left on earth. If I live in the neighbourhood they will sell their home and move out. They will fail a course just to avoid being in the same class. How many times have you tried this same trick? At every stage of life.... yeah, that's right! No, the person did not pick me as a boy friend nor a life partner. Not even as a friend. Told me to go away and never even come say hello!  You know  I do not fit the bill. Short; short of money and short of influence is not exactly the sauce for success. Why do you keep joking with me?

 All you used me for was to soak up the toxicity left over after the boyfriend project ended by putting me back in the middle of it! I took the job because I really, really liked the person. I did a good job.  Did I not ? Then why did you have to  kick me out of the person's life after heaping insults on me by the roadside. No explanation , no chance , no fairness! Just Absolute cruel and insensitive, selfish disregard for me ! That's the thanks I received for being respectful, honourable,  friendly, nurturing, caring and a loving person. I gave everything I had to this; everything !  God ! You of all people should know I was totally sincere. Did I deserve  this catastrophic punishment ? Accusatory words turned the knife in my back and it still hurts like hell!

I resigned to my fate! As if I had a choice! My entire life changed to a diminished , circumscribed existence. I became a shell of what I was and have missed all of my achievement markers because of absymally poor motivation. 

I go about my mundane life one day at a time. I have  barely learned to live with my grief after struggling with it for several decades.

God! You kept me out of the loop  during all the prime milestones of this individual's life. That's most of my adult life , middle age and now my senior years. Things like Marriage, parenthood , buying a home....  were off limits for me. Decades when I yearned for a scrap of welfare  information ; you did not provide any. Nothing. Not one little tiny bit. I just wanted to keep my promise of always caring! Keeping a promise - is that a crime too? I am  an old man now ; God - I am  not that young any more! Why did you  send all of those details now? Why are you pushing me on to a colliding trajectory again? If this is a test.... I fail!

I had put huge distance in between to avoid such a thing ; but with one stroke you have nullified everything. Time and space have become quite meaningless. I am back in time reliving the tragedy of my life and mourning my life altering  loss! 

What is it that you want God? What do you want of me this time? I have nothing left to give. This person already has everything I could. Took everything I had and ran off ! All of my dreams, my hopes, my plans and my love.... gone! I was replaced in this person's life too. A long time ago!

Does anyone even want me in the first place? Much less giving access to themselves, they do not even want me to have access to their picture!  Dear God you saw that! Didn't you?  what in the God's name do you not understand here? I will never mean anything. Why could you not keep me unaware still? I can not fathom what your plan is !

Instead of cruel words;  complete silence is turning the knife in this time round! It hurts worse than words could .

God; are you even listening? Do you ever listen?

 

 

कितने आदमी थे ?

                                                 "kitne admi the?" Shot from movie ,"Sholay"
 

आठ अरब इंसान है इस दुनिया में,

मै अभी पहले को ही दोस्त नहीं बना पाया।

 

ओ खुदा मेरे और कितने इम्तिहान बाकी हैं,

पहला पर्चा ही मुझ से पास नहीं हो पाया!

 

कुछ शर्म आ रही है अपनी कारीगरी पे?

इस कदर बदकिस्मत शख्स कैसे बनाया?

 

ऐसे क्यों देखते हो हैरान हो के मुझे?

खोया ही खोया है, जिंदगी से कुछ नहीं पाया।

 

सारी हसीन रंगीनियां नज़र आती हैं मुझे,

वो जो भाया तो फिर कुछ नहीं भाया!

 

ये खेला तुम्हारे लिए है ही नहीं मेरे भाई,

अंत तक पता न चलेगा; कौन अपना, कौन पराया!

 

गुमान होता यूं था  हर पल साथ चल रहा है वो,

ज़रा उधर हाथ बढ़ाया तो निकला मेरा साया।

 

जिंदगी जब तलक मौका देगी इंतजार कर लूंगा।

घबराता हूं क्या हो गर उस दिन भी वो न आया! 

हम क्या चाहते हैं ?

 

Couple in front of Gustav Klimt's iconic "Der Kuss". 

Belvedere Museum, Vienna

मेरे बालों में उंगली फिराने के बहाने 

अचानक ज़रा सा खींच दो,मजाक में ।

मै ये चाहता हूं! 

 

तुम बालों में ब्रश करो सोने से पहले

और मैं रोज़ एकटक ,मंत्रमुध देखूं ।

 मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

"काफी कड़वी लगती है? यू आर ए किड"।

कह के खूब कहकहे लगाओ मुझ पर  ।

मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

तुम कालेज के बारे में सवाल पूछो,

जो अभी हुए ही नहीं उन बच्चों के। 

मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

तुमको नहीं आता बोल चाइनीज तुम ऑर्डर करो।

घर पर किसी दिन दोनों के लिए मैगी से काम चलाओ।

 मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

भीगी भीगी आंखों से अपने राज़ मुझे बताओ।

मेरे थोडे शरारती जोक पर आँखें भींच हंसो।

मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

हम फिल्म देखने जाएं और टिकट ही न मिले। 

 मेरा कुछ सामान तुम्हारी कपड़ों की अलमारी में मिले ।

मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

सुस्त ट्रेन की ऊपरी बर्थ पर बतियाएं हम।

तिब्बती मार्केट से मेरा स्वेटर खरीदो तुम।

मै ये चाहता हूं!

 

 लालची हूं  इसलिए सारी दुनिय़ा के बदले , 

 मुनाफे का सौदा - तुम्हे मांगता हूं!

मै ये चाहता हूं! 

 

 तुम  फिर भी चाहती हो आज़ादी!

हां, मुझसे चाहिए ! हां, अभी चाहिए !

रहने दो ,आज से मै कुछ नही  चाहता !

Seat 11 !

 

'Thorn chair' by Michele Oka Doner

USA, c. 1980
cast and patinated bronze .91 × 53 × 51 cm

 

Few years ago - alright make it more than a few years ago; when I started travelling by air I used to love sitting on a window seat. A hold over from all those bus trips of my childhood travelling  to the achingly beautiful Kashmir valley. Window seat would allow you to enjoy the view  for those 8/9 hours you had to be sitting on those hard bench like seats. Things changed over time and I could afford better seats and coaches that  ran movies the entire time. Passengers loved that idea but I was never a fan of it. Bus operators would draw all the  window curtains to get  better screen visibility. I would still try to get a window seat and peeked outside through the slits in the curtain.

 

Once in the air  you can not see much ; just endless blue skies and few clouds. To me it is still fascinating, almost a liberating view! For a very long time I continued to book a window seat. I would always resent if that was not available; which happened once in a while. What bad luck I thought !

 

Time is relentless. It imprints itself on everything and everyone. So one fine day as I was flying from Frankfurt to home I realized I have grown up and not that young boy of those bus rides any more ! I was in the window seat as usual in a three seat configuration. Dinner was over; wine was done and  every passenger was trying to catch a wink. I held on for some time but then I had to go. It would have been quite normal but I had gone just before dinner, not too long ago. I had to repeat this later again. So the process involves waking up the middle seat and the aisle seat and maybe make them stand up to allow you to pass while you are trying to hold on to your urges. Jump to 5/7 minutes later and as they are about to slip back into sleep ,repeat this in reverse. Wake up aisle , wake up middle....

 

My window seat days were clearly over! It was a time before airlines had decided to nickle and dime the flying public. I started booking front seats, right behind the first class cabin. Firstly it had better legroom that ensured that you would pass through without disturbing your co passengers. Secondly you would invariably get served food first and the washrooms were not too far either. These seats were also in the front section of the aircraft; which reportedly is smoother to ride during air turbulence. 

           

Now the definition of a bad luck seat had changed for me. Of course airlines do not assign these seats any more; they sell them. About $75 per leg of the journey. I usually buy some good luck now ! 

 

People in the know will tell you that the worst possible seat in a Boeing 787 dream liner happens to be seat 11 A. It is right next to an emergency exit, so you are not allowed to keep your handbags or other belongings with you. Floor needs to be clear of all obstructions. An AC duct apparently is also a restricting  element. Window  is not only not operable; it does not exist. Vishwaskumar Ramesh would have cursed his luck or maybe given an earful to his travel agent. He might have even tried to change to a different seat at the check in counter..... no matter. 11A was his seat and so it remained as he boarded his flight back home to UK. His flight crashed barely 5 minutes into take off. It killed everyone on board the aircraft as well as several others in a nearby  building on which the ill fated aircraft fell .

 

Not everyone actually! Not the occupier of 11A. In an absolute miracle, Vishwaskumar left the catastrophically burning   plane; with charred bodies and smoking debris all around him; on foot. Repeat on foot. He sustained minor injuries , minimal burns and is currently recovering in a city hospital.  The lone survivor of this tragedy!

 

We should never pause to strive for the best possible outcome in every endeavour.  However what we consider bad luck; might actually prove to be the best thing that  ever happened to us. We just do not know it yet.  Ask seat 11A! He will tell you.

 

 

Misplaced Loyalty!

Representative image,"Loyal Dog"

For the last 75% of my total elapsed life several matters of concern have raised their head from time to time. Just like everybody and their aunt's life! Some were dealt with rather expeditiously; some lost steam and disappeared on their own. Others required a little more focused effort on my part. Few- very few stayed on obdurately; paying no heed to my shenanigans. 

The hardest of them, ' Is everything fine ?', gnawed at me everyday; persistently pushing, needling and looming large on my mind and spirits. I played all the possible scenes in my mind. I switched different permutations and combinations of all  the possible answers. I shouted my query in the air regularly as life kept happening to me over all of these years.

'Is everything fine?';'Is everything fine?'

Of course there was no one there to answer back! As is my wont, I analyzed  everything minutely. Events that culminated in arriving at this situation where there is no answer. Only a question that begets more questions. I felt a little responsible. I rewrote all the scenes of my life in my head.I changed my actions to other possible actions. Things I could have done or should not have done at such and such point. Things I said; stuff I left unsaid. Everything was imagined over and over and over! Wasted a lot of time on this, but the question remained.

'Is everything fine?';'Is everything fine?'

I wished I was a bit more believable! Why was I not believed, again? What exactly is my fault? Why don't I deserve an answer? I looked everywhere without luck for the entity that held answers to all these. The ugly question just would not go away even after it defeated and diminished me! I loose, you win; just let go of me! I pleaded for years. My inner voice however kept up the din.

'Is everything fine?';'Is everything fine?'

Apparently sheer stupidity above a certain threshold has been banned in the heavens and seemingly I overshot by miles! Universe finally had to step in to save me from myself! It suddenly started putting nuggets of information on my desk. Information that had eluded me for years. As if I even knew what to look for in the first place.

It knocked me on the head; pushed me hard; cajoled me, shook me and bombarded me with curated scenes in the right sequence. Scenes that I had gone through before in my head but never connected. It provided corroborating clues; one after another. And from some deep dark depth it unearthed  the queen of the answers ! Peeling layer after layer, the universe put her under a spotlight.

The results were astounding! I was shocked to recognize what I should have known on day one! I was completely wrong about not being believed! I was believed totally. Every word of mine was believed, because it was true!

It just did not suit the new script being written with the new title," beliefs do not pay bills'! Script changes were premeditated and executed secretly in cold blood; one scene at a time. Words like Emotion, loyalty and commitment were erased.

Final project got released unannounced and unexplained. Totally without remorse; without regret and without a care except for monetary considerations. You could have heard the jangling  sounds in the background.

Universe sent me the theme song too:

Everything was master planned; a great design I'd say. 

It is more than fine. Shut the 'F' up and go far away!

You are no body to ask any questions anyway.

Simply a  blot on the larger canvas.

Just go home and write in golden letters;    

It was always fine and it is  getting better.  

You little blot - no longer of use to us !

Henry David Thoreau said, "The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it".

Money always costs too much. At times you need to exchange yourself entirely. In the end 'it is all about the money'!

Seriously we should test people for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. In order to ensure that they do not harm others or themselves. Trust me I feel like I have arrived here from a different planet !

 'Whole program was painstakingly designed to be fine, you dolt!'

 How in the blazes did I miss the answer staring me in the face for so long? what a dunce!

                                 

 

 

 

 

  

वादा, मेरा वादा!

'Samurai under Attack'

Antique Japanese Ukiyo-e woodcut print

नए नाम के नए रंग में बरसों बाद तुझे देखकर,

रूह तक के दुखते ज़ख्म बेदर्दी से खुरचे गए फिर।

डूबते दिल को भरोसा दिया इस सच ने सामने आकर,

अब भी वैसी की वैसी है तेरी, हिकारत भरी वो नजर।

जीवन भर के साथ का उधार बकाया है तुझपर,

तकाज़ा करने आया कभी कोई क्या तुम्हारे दर?

कर्ज वापिस हो कैसे,क्यों, क्या करोगी सोचकर,

तुम जियो जिंदगी गुलाबी, मखमली; बेफिक्र होकर।

मै हूँ,रख लूंगा सारी तल्खियां अपनी नाकामी में सहेज कर,

बता क्या करूं, ये वादा कर जो दिया था तुझपे ऐतबार कर!

तुम अपनी चुप से कहती चलो, 'मरदूद चुप कर',

ढीठ हूँ, हवाओं से तेरी लेता रहूंगा खोज खबर।

इस मूर्ख को समझाया था डूबता सौदा मत कर,

चलो दो, अगली बार के लिए कोरा कागज़ दस्तख़त कर।

एवज में समय के अंत तक मांगूंगा ,'प्रभु इसका भला कर',

या कि फिर वादा खिलाफी करोगी, अख्तियारों का पत्ता चल कर?

अपनी भली खबर भेजो, दो अक्षर हाल लिख डालो। ...बस मुक्तसर

मेरी वफ़ा है बस अक्स तेरा; इसी हिकमत से फिर तेरे साथ रहूंगा उम्र भर,

बता क्या करूं? ये वादा कर जो दिया था तुझ पर ऐतबार  कर!

उससे कहना! USSAY KEHNA!

 

 

 "An old man talking" Etching by Salvatore Rosa

 उससे कहना!

घर के उसका मुझको पता है,

हर इक रास्ता नप रखा है। 

उस दुनिया से चल भी बसा हूं।

जाने क्या मै सोच रहा हूं।

मिले तो उससे लाज़िम कहना;

मै बस उसको  ढूंढ रहा हूं।

 

सख्त लफ्ज़ से दूर रहूंगा;

अपना हक पर लेके टलूंगा।

"खुश तो हो तुम"?,

ये सवाल पूछने सदियों से ,

मैं बस उसको ढूंढ रहा हूं।

मिले तो उससे लाज़िम कहना।

 

मेरी दुनिया तुम में थी बस;

वो ही दुनिया लूट लुटाकर,

कब्र पे मेरी ताज बनाकर। 

सौदा सस्ता पड़ा कि महंगा?

और फ़ज़ूल की बात बनाने 

मैं बस उसको ढूंढ रहा हूं।

मिले तो उससे लाज़िम कहना। 

 

गली मुहल्ले, चौक के रस्ते,

हर दिन, हर पल जगते सोते;

हर इंसा में, हर पत्थर में; 

हर कांटे को हाथ चुभा कर; 

मै बस उसको ढूंढ रहा हूं।

मिले तो उससे लाज़िम कहना।

 

आदमी शरीफ़ है तो पुल से कूदे!

कन्या राशि का कमबख्त है;

कुछ पल रोया, निकल लिया फिर सब्जी लेने। 

बाकी का आके रो लेगा!

बहुत प्रैक्टिकल है अपना भाई;

अच्छा किया जो जान छुड़ाई। 

इस सब से सहमत होने को 

मैं बस उसको ढूंढ रहा हूं। 

मिले तो उससे लाज़िम कहना।

 

गम को लफ्जों में ढालो तो

जाम ए जहर इक बन जाएगा।

किसी शाम फिर बैठें सामने,

पीने पिलाने, इसी बहाने,

मैं बस उसको ढूंढ रहा हूं।

मिले तो उस से लाज़िम कहना।

 

पुनर्जन्म गप्प नही है सारी; 

बस पे चढ़ने न दूंगा इस बारी!

जनम लगें जितने लगने दो; 

थाली भर के, ठूंस के लूंगा!

हां दो ही निवाले नहीं चलेंगे! 

ऐसा ज़रा सा धमकाने को,

मैं बस उसको ढूंढ रहा हूं।

मिले तो उससे लाज़िम कहना।

 

बिसात है क्या दुश्मन की जो दे 

सच्चे दोस्त के बक्से में ही,

बस पहली दूजी  ही तह में;

दगा पड़ा रखा मिलेगा! 

भूली कसमें होंगी, टूटा वादा दिखेगा । 

इत्ता ज़रा छिपाना कि

अपने फायदे का फलसफा सिखाने, 

मै बस उसको ढूंढ रहा हूं।

मिले तो उससे लाज़िम कहना।

आखिरी शब को, आखिरी लम्हे;

 कान लगा के गौर से सुनना।

जाते जाते यही कहूंगा;

मै बस उसको ढूंढ रहा हूँ!

उससे कहना! 

उससे कहना!