Doodle by Ashutosh Kaul. Jan' 2026
168mm X 213mm . Sketch Pen on paper
I called home the other day and spoke to my father. For close to half a century I have discussed , argued and even wildly disagreed with him regularly on every subject under the sun. In my home we can do that without any repercussions. My father is vastly knowledgeable, brilliant, sharp and a gentleman. This time round though he asked me if I am calling him from Delhi or from out of town. Thing is I live abroad and I was home five months back. It was completely out of character for him to say that. It hit me like a sledge hammer. His mental cage has shrunk dramatically in the interval! We haltingly managed a small discussion on the current political affairs. Not very sure what's going on. I will have to go see about it, won't I ? A short trip to Delhi is on !
He is not a touchy feely individual so forget about Public display of affection! Even towards his children. I do not think he ever held me in his arms or cuddled me ever; even as a child. I am not highlighting a childhood father wound. Not at all ! His way of showing love was to bring me to his office and sit me down in the massive Times Of India library with children's literature. Get me to Firoz Shah kotla stadium and let me watch Tony Greig hit a ton, all by myself. Bring home international Journals and magazines to read. Have a house full of books and encourage open discussions on topics ranging from scientific inventions to film and personal relations. Always with tolerance for my immaturity and patience for my youthful ignorance.
Before I forget let me tell you one unusual instance when he did pick me up. He took me to watch the military parade. I was too little and it was crowded. I watched the parade from his shoulders. I still remember the tanks rolling down majestically on the marching route. That was the day!
I will be there again soon so we will watch the parade together this year - on TV of course. I am too big to ride his shoulders ! Hope he is well enough to interact brilliantly as usual.
Yeah; it is the birthday of the modern Republic of India. A simple search on the internet will tell you that Indian republic shares a birthday with Paul Newman and Ellen DeGeneres among some other individuals that you are not acquainted with.
Once upon a time; a long long time ago in order to celebrate the birthday of just such a person we made plans. As they were already in town on a study trip we were to meet at a bus stop and then walk to Nirula's restaurant across the road. We had been there before, we liked it and I could afford it. The bus stop was an easy ride away for them and they had been there a couple of times earlier. I reached early and waited for them to arrive.
I waited a long time, a few hours beyond the appointed hour. I waited in vain. This was of course pre cell phone era. Buses came and went. They did not arrive. Later during their stay in town, I was told that they had also waited.... but at a different bus stop on the same route. By mistake they had gotten off earlier! Anyway, we will do this next year, they consoled me! They will be done studies and come to Delhi for good. I understood!
It happened as they said; mostly! They were done next year and they did come to Delhi for good after a little time at home! Do not ask me about the rest of the pact we had. They did not come for me. In short they told me that they have found someone who loves them the way they want and they could not care any less for my bruised ego!! I should get lost or whatever....
Sunk cost escape! Have you heard about the concept? Comes originally from the corporate world. What it means is that a manager needs to know when to shut a project down ; even if it means that the money spent on it will be lost forever. Cut your loss and run! Alternative is to keep on investing resources in it and further increase your losses. Project is lost anyway. Makes a lot of business sense. Doesn't it?
At an individual level it means to stop reading a book you do not like. Do not drag yourself towards the last page just because you have bought the book. No need to finish watching a movie that is boring you to death. Let the admission price go waste. Exit signs are there for a reason in all theatres. Do not force yourself to stay in a draining toxic relationship dynamic that pains the heart all the time.
It's foolhardy to stay invested because you threw a large part of your life in and destroyed decades defending a poor choice. Think about the rest of your life! Can you afford to waste what is left and make compromise over compromise?
Life unfortunately is not a business venture. Most of us are trapped in a mental cage of our own that keeps us from saving ourselves. Our fears, our doubts and our selfish greed play havoc with what ought to be done. We are shattered internally into a million pieces, but this imaginary cage gives us a movie set like facade for the world outside. In reality we only manage to fool ourselves. World is really not bothered one way or the other.
Jungle can teach us a thing or two if we observe honestly. Cow and Bison are similar animals. When a storm gathers on the horizon, a cow sees the storm and quickly finds a tree or other shelter to hide behind. At the same time, it keeps moving away from the storm, creating larger and larger distance from it. With the result that when the storm finally makes contact with the cow it has already gathered its full might. The cow is now forced to take a massive hit from the storm at its highest potency. Hiding and running away proves counterproductive. But cow is a coward!
Bison on the other hand quickly rushes towards the mouth of the storm and meets it head on as early as it can. Bison too gets hit as the storm passes by, but the storm is weak, at its beginner intensity. Smart! A bison has more intelligence than most of us. We act like cows and do not understand that running away will not spare us any troubles. We have seldom found the courage and honesty to face the problem squarely when it crops up and do the right thing. Sad isn't it, that we have to take a bigger load of the crap than we need to because of what we lack - courage, integrity and ethical behaviour.
I am a step worse off than most being in a mental prison serving a life sentence. Around this day I go back in my mind to that bus stop, scanning the horizon for the bus that will never arrive; waiting for the disembarking birthday girl. A person gone so long ago that she only exists in my memory. I know fully well that a version of her has already gotten off at a different bus stop of life. All the more by her own choice; never again to take the route where I could be. I too am a different version of myself ! Much older if not much wiser. No longer am I an innocent, trusting individual. No , I am not!
I only pause mentally. The thing is that I was lied to so seamlessly that I am no longer sure if any of what I depicted even happened, ever! Was I there at the bus stop that day ? Were they actually at another bus stop that day or was that a convenient lie too?
What part of this is my imagination; what part is a reality? What was factual ; which one was a white lie? Is that my dead hope playing tricks on me; or is that a cherished memory nudging at my heartstrings? Was that care or was that manipulation? What was the real emotion; what was vampish bread crumbing? Am I even sane for having these thoughts running through my head or have I gone totally cukkoo!
In my confused, stupified hazy mind they alight from the bus every year; at the stop I am waiting then the image ends.
Since I am in town on this day what if I go to that bus stop; the one they said they were waiting? Maybe I will find their innocent, truthful, caring trustworthy, intelligent, beautiful and cheerful version there waiting for me. I could then ask about their welfare and wish them a happy birthday. Can I not?
It is that kind of the day!
Sunk cost escape did not work for me. I have kept pouring into a leaking vessel; unmindful of my mounting losses. I have never learned to behave any other way. I can't get out of the mental cage I am in but once in a while I can shout and get my words out; freely flying away!
26 January; That is the day. So, like the previous 40 odd times, I will add yet another loss to my vast collection by sending out greetings of the republic day and wishes for a super happy birthday in advance to someone you do not know. Someone I thought I knew but I was wrong. Very wrong indeed! Let the universe bring my good wishes to them!
May they have a great birthday and an amazingly happy life ahead. Maybe they too remember the bus stop from the past!
26 January is that kind of the day!
