byte and bark
You can not go back and make a new beginning, but you can start today and make a new ending!
Thursday, October 2, 2025
Blabberings of an old man !
Friday, September 26, 2025
Impact!
AI generated Image
Wednesday, September 17, 2025
End Game!
Amrita pritam once described the outermost limit of sorrow as the situation where the 'ink in your pen too dries out'. You are so sad that you can not even write about it. Your tears would have dried out long ago.
I remembered this as I was recently lounging on the undulating deck of the lake house. Water waves from the lake were sloshing the sides of the deck and the moon was shining in the night sky. I could see the deep blue of the sky adorned with twinkling stars as far as my gaze reached. There was no other sound , just myself, stars and the gentle lake!
Life is what you make of it. All of my troubles at that moment just evaporated.Gone! I realized I still have it in me to take sorrow head on. My ink is yet to dry; even my tears are well and truly alive! We are not going to need them today anyway.
I was in grade 3 when Ms. Kusum, the music teacher at our school called me out of my classroom. We went up to the music room on the first floor. She had heard my humming and wanted to see how good I can be. Her harmonium was all set up and she asked me to sing. Anything. I sang a few lines from a cabaret number pictured on Helen. Then she requested another song. This time I picked a Rafi song. Remember I was in grade 3. This went on for a bit and I still remember the look of increasing disappointment on her face. She had failed to discover the next singing sensation. I was never going to be a singer! I am in tune but my voice is just short of horrible.
People that know me , know that I hum all the time. Even during a major crisis a tune is playing in my mind. Kusum madam that day left me with her loving advice to keep humming always. I have kept it up. I was very young and did not realize the disappointment then. Later I complained silently! God should had given me a good voice.
Only recently have I found how beneficial humming is for your mental health.It also has a salubrious impact on other physical parameters including your cardiac health.That's the gift God wanted me to have and made Kusum madam deliver it!
My teacher Mr.Jugal Kishore Sharma; who is still in touch with me sent for me to come over to grade 8 class room. I was in grade 6. The teacher thought highly of me and asked me to speak extempore on " movement is life"! There I was under a spotlight. Junior most lecturing to the senior most! I did mumble something about dead make no movement. I was nervous and hot under the collar but that day taught me a systematic process of thinking. I am still learning but God did send guidance to Sir who created the opportunity for me to elevate.
Later in life I found myself a student in Nainital. A smaller place and a nondescript educational institution was my fate. I seriously resented it but had no wriggle room. Why me? Why?
Two years down the line I had developed a lifelong love of poetry and won a national scholarship. Money I used to fund 4 years of my art education. 3 out of 4 years I did not take a single cent from home. Drawing material is very expensive and in those pre computer days everything was to be done in real time. Nobody had heard of virtual design. I would have been hard pressed if that scholarship did not exist. I used up a tonne of expensive drawing material that God provided by sending me to Nainital. I see this clearly now!
I came out of the university and got a job that my class mate recommended me for. She got selected from campus but her family was immigrating to the US and their papers had come in. She told her soon to be ex boss about a brilliant designer- me! Thing to note is that she did not recommend her special friend. I have always wondered about it. Apparently being a gentle, self less person is not without merit. God does see everything!
I applied for a project in Russia as a long shot; with zero experience of large projects and that too in a foreign work environment. I got an interview; surprise ! The project director turned out to be a neighbour and knew my father well. He did not let this on during the interview and I did not know him from Adam. I got to be the project designer without knowing much. Good luck; God; dad's stellar reputation ; call it whatever! I was so unqualified that I would not have hired myself if it was my decision! That's how God helped me earn a reputation for being an expert in foreign projects. Later on I worked on several such projects in Europe as well as on the Indian sub continent. Needed help came from above!
Era immediately post this project happens to be the lowest point in my life as I lost pretty much everything I had been working towards for years. It's devastation is still a daily challenge. We will not go there today. But listen I got hired by the Government of India to be their design consultant on the strength of my Russian experience. Pretty sweet , isn't it?
What happened in one interview actually was surreal. It was for another job and I was in the waiting area with some other candidates when I was called in. The vice president, HR interviewing me was ex army; a major general to boot. As I entered he said; "come in Mr. Kaul, I have already selected you, I just wanted to see you in person"! Seriously! That was the interview. Rest of the time we had coffee and he told me about his various campaigns that he commanded. Just like that and I was the graphics manager for the Hyatt Group!
Apparently he had a very high opinion of my community and the fact that our community had to be refugees in our own land because of Islamic terrorism in Kashmir made him sympathetic.
In perspective God sending me to be born in that smelly by lane of old Srinagar city; to lower middle class parents and into a much persecuted minority community was just part of a grand design. Do you see that?
J Walter Thompson is a very big communications company; very old and very reputable. Somehow I got hired. Unknown to me was that my boss had the reputation of going through a lot of teams. He would sacrifice a team member to save his position. I was to be his second in command!
I was given a project second day on the job. The client Motorola had rejected thirteen design submissions and we were just a whisker away from losing the project entirely. That had major implications on other jobs in the pipeline. Big bucks were involved. Mega bucks! I was hired to be the sacrificial lamb that would be chopped when we did loose the project! I was told all of this later by other people; much later!
Completely unaware of the danger, I did what I did and rest is history. My career within the organization boomed on that one design with back lit circular blue ceiling feature and metallic wall panels. Sounds very cheesy and you will not catch me doing it today. Back then though this Client not only ate out of my hands while I worked for JWT; It gave me projects worth a lot when I started my own practice. That led to me accessing funds to be able to come abroad! I also became the choice designer for all tech clients.
You can not miss the hand of God in all this. A dodgy boss; angry client; rookie designer.... How did it all come up smelling roses?
So back to my starry night. I am not exactly a fan of the city I currently live in. My hand really got forced as I was finding my home town unbearably choking for reasons we will not go into today.
I really can not start to sum up all the blessings I have had ; in all other facets of life too! I feel thankful to many individuals that became the agent of God's benevolence towards me. Too many to count here. I have not done much to deserve this amazing experience that I have had.
God saw my challenges and trials of the past few months and God decided to give me some peace; where I am ! A lot of peace, lot of clarity, strength and a sense of balance was on offer as well. There can be no other explanation to it. It is God showing me light!
I trust God to provide exactly what I need; what I deserve and what I have earned! Exactly on time! God will retain what is not for me and God will provide in abundance what is meant for me! All I have to do is what I have to! Just be completely honest; truthful and not be selfish nor betray others or myself! That's it! Simple!
I trust that not only will God provide a cherished sunset; God will never forget to provide a new spectacular sunrise.I will grow with every challenge.Life is what you make of it. God is looking out for me!
Tuesday, September 9, 2025
Silence of Paradise!
No ,I am not crying; no; not really! There actually is a story; a ghost story behind it all and if you insist; we'll need to go back a little. Actually go back a lot; about 50 years.
I was in school and so was the witch.... alright we will call her Ghost and maintain decorum. Witch does not sound respectful and she is very easy on the eye as well. I saw the ghost in its human form for about five minutes while attending a marriage. Don't you get any funny ideas though! We hardly registered on each other's radars. Alright; alright, my radar blinked! I won't admit to anything more! No words were exchanged that day.
These memories have come flooding back because the other day I watched "Songs of Paradise". Lovely little gem of a movie that tells the story of a legendary female singer of Kashmir- the land of my birth. Her Music has been recreated with great skill and taste . Of course it has been shot on real locations. There were those sights and sounds that reside in all of us who hail from the place. Every street, every old house; the wooden bridge; the lake; my river, my people - everything resonated with me. Every frame sang to me. It was an emotional roller-coaster that did transport me there and jolted the chords of my memory.
Did I tell you I have a love/ hate relationship with the place! I do. I love everything there and I hate everything. It is because of all that I cherished and all that got denied to me! You think it is childish; but you are not me!
So this ghost did come across me a couple of more times over the years. What happened one night however was life changing. I had lost my most favourite person on earth a couple of days earlier to a road mishap. We were in deep mourning. Too many people in the house on the day that needed to sleep. So a lot of people crashed on a bedroom floor one night. Sometime during the night I felt a strange smooth warmth come over me. I was half awake, half asleep but I remember this clearly to this day. When I woke up in the morning everyone else had already gotten up and left the room. Just one person was sleeping squeezed between my mattress and the wall under a warm cover. Only the face with unruly hair was visible. Lo and behold; It was the ghost in human form that sometime in the night found that corner to lay her head. Remember the warmth that enveloped me? It was their aura! That moment changed my life entirely. I fell head over heels for her, that exact instant. My feelings have not changed yet and most of my life has already been lived. I am not likely to fall out of it now! Not sure though if it is a blessing or a curse! Imagine finding a new begining while mourning a massive loss ! Life is stranger than fiction. I would not have believed it, but it happened to me.
This ghost soon became friendly; even in its human form. We interacted sporadically and became close. We shared some secrets; some jokes; lots of plans and happy times. We found we think alike and could finish each other's sentences. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Shortly ghost's human form became the very embodiment of every thing I like and everyone I like. My paradise! My Kashmir; all rolled into one person. Then one day fate struck and the human form ran away. Hid herself in those very streets of Kashmir. Never to be found again. Never! You now realize why I hate what I love !
If you thought the story ended there, you would be far off the mark! It in fact started there! The ghost almost immediately returned to haunt me by taking over every cell in my body and occupied most of my mind. I do not know how at the same time it manages to make itself felt right behind my right shoulder also. It is inside me, outside me and around me. It does not go away. Not even for a second. It has remained there for four decades now. It is there when I am taking a shower. It is there right besides me in the car. It hears me curse other drivers on road. There it is while I take a walk. It is with me at the mall; at work; in a restaurant.... Sometimes it takes the shape of a stranger but vanishes somewhere when I go near it.
I used to get seriously disturbed and annoyed. I wanted it to go away. I asked it to let me be; many times. I called it some very bad names to push it away. I told it how much I abhored it ! I told it to show up in the human form or get the hell lost ! Nothing ; nothing really affects this ghost. It does what it does; when it does!
Eventually I learned to live with it after I moved cities to other corner of the world but found that the ghost is travelling with me two rows away! No, there is no getting away from this for me!
I asked myself, would I ever have let go of it had this ghost come to me in it's human form? It is quite complicated but the short answer is; never; no; not in a thousand years! So I have tried to have some interaction with the ghost for some years now. I tell the ghost everything that is happening with me. I ask its opinion on things. I have told a few jokes. We have had coffee together. Attended social gatherings; picnics; marriage receptions and parties. I seek Ghost's approval on my wardrobe. Don't you dare laugh!
The ghost does not speak to me. It never answers back and it never shows up in a human form; but It has not left me yet. Ghost has kept up its ghosting.
Of late though I do not feel it over my right shoulder at times. It goes away suddenly and than it returns quickly. Maybe it is going deeper inside me or maybe it is trying to leave me like it's human form did. Just when I have gotten used to it being a part of my life.
I am no longer seeking to be free of this ghost. I do not abandon; not even my ghost! It is the only peace left to me anyway.
Dreams die. Some sooner than later. I was keeping some dreams locked, but they depended upon the ghost showing up in it's human form. That did not happen and it looks quite impossible now. So I have finally let those useless dreams leave through the portal of my eyes. These are not tears.
It would not have hurt so much except that there is this silence on top of it. This is so, so unbearably heavy!
Paradise has no songs for me; none! Only silence. My lost paradise is silent and I can not do a thing about it!
I am not crying. I am not! These are my dreams finally saying good bye!
Monday, September 8, 2025
बातूनी!
Monday, September 1, 2025
ऐसा कैसे !
Sunday, August 24, 2025
Three of Swords!
Ektrina was drunk a little,so was I. We had just finished dinner with our group and then continued our discussions on the renaissance movement as we took the elevator to my room. I was a little high on champagne as I said but not so high that I could not see that she was making moves to stay in. I was young, stupid and idealistic. So that night after a little while I called the front desk for a taxi for her to go home; before things got hot. That I thought was the appropriate thing to do since I was in a committed relationship.